I may have calmed down a little bit last night, I'm not feeling quite as emotional, but I'm still pretty convinced of what I have to do. I've been debating what to actually do about it, though. I don't know where I should be, or what. I don't want somebody to find me really, but I can really just disappear. I mean, I guess I could, but I don't really know where I would go. Maybe a motel room would be suitable... I don't really know, but that's what I was just thinking a few minutes ago.
I don't want to take either of my parent's cars and have to be found there, I'd rather just get myself a room somewhere and just take care of it. The amount of consideration I'm putting into the planning is what reaffirms in my mind that I'm actually going to go through with this. I got an email from somebody I don't know, trying to tell me that things will get better, and I really appreciate the gesture. Unfortunately, I just honestly feel otherwise. I can picture an ideal living situation, but no part of that vision is even close to being able to be obtained. I thought I was within reach of one of the conditions, but now that's not going to happen either. I thought when you were down, you had nowhere to go but up. The fact that I'm still managing to go further and further down is a gig deterrent to extending my time on this planet. And not one thing will go my way. I've tried waiting, I've sort of tried trying, but I guess I am not eligible for even the slightest bit of contentment.
I already regret never finding the one, or possibly finding her and fucking it up and not making her mine. I regret not having kids with said person. I regret not finishing school. I regret hurting anybody and everybody I ever hurt. I guess when I really start to think about it, I realize that the past few years have just been awful, and even though things may be a bit better than they were, it feels even worse.e Going from where I was to where I am not is a curse. I will never get that time back. I'll never be young and be happy and have all sorts of money, friends, and girls to hang out with. And I feel awful about what I have to do, but I just want it to be known that its what I wanted.
I'll keep this up to date over the next few days, and I'll make sure to leave it available and not delete it beforehand. I guess this could show what was going on. I don't want anybody to feel at fault. Things just happened as they did, and things are what they are. I'm tired of being alone. Even now, I still haven't seen a single familiar face. It's going on weeks now. I have no friends, so I guess I just feel bad about doing this to my family. I'll write a good letter/note so hopefully they will understand.
I'm guessing overdose is probably the best way to go, I'm just not sure how much that will take. I guess I'll find out one way or another. I'll be around for the next couple days with any other news. Take care everybody, hope you're enjoying life. I know it's possible, just not for me.
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