Well, today has come, and today has gone. I guess that's not such a bad thing. It's another day that I made it through in generally good spirits. But now it's time to get some sleep, but I am lying here with a very heavy heart.
I've been delaying my decision process regarding my current situation. I was certainly hoping to salvage something out of the mess that I'm in. But, I am finally going to take the first step towards moving on, trying to start anew. I've been stagnant for the past year, and if anything, things have just gotten worse. I envisioned being much happier by this time, with a certain somebody. I am still holding firm to the belief that this would indeed to a possibility. However, a one sided deal just doesn't get any kind of traction at all. That's basically what I have been laboring under, and it's disheartening. I put all my cards on the table pretty early on in the game, and maybe that was a mistake. But, it happened how it happened. And now it's noticeably not going anywhere at this point.
I'm really not looking forward to the whole process of finding somebody new. At this point in time, that whole ordeal sounds overwhelming. I guess i just have to put myself out there and just take things from there. I know that with all of my other brush-ins with love, it was never nearly as difficult as this time around. I don't know if it was because it wasn't as intense, or just because the other person actually wanted to be with me (thus making things a hell of a lot less complicated), but this most recent scuffle has left be a bit bruised and weary. I sure as shit don't want any even mild repeat of what I've been trying to work out for the past year. I want something straightforward, something that's not going to leave me broken hearted. As long as I just keep my cool and don't get too worked up about it, I shouldn't have too hard of a time.
I think I have to go back to being the guy that I'm not, the guy that doesn't overly care. My problem is, that when I fall for somebody, I fall rather hard. It's extremely difficult to hold in my feelings, and I like to let that person know how much they mean to me. However, this does not appear to be the most successful way to a girl's heart. It would seem that they would prefer to be treated as nothing special, like I couldn't give a shit if I saw them or not. This would somehow make me more attractive to them. I understand it in some ways... girls don't want a guy that needs them. But why is it a crime to want them? Why is that such a deal breaker?
About six years ago, I seemed to have everything pretty well figured out. I have no game left, though, so this go around will be no picnic. I just have to let things flow I suppose, and not really try. I've basically made it alone for the last few months for the most part, so what's the big change? Nothing. Except the lost hope. I really thought she could be the one. I wanted to live with her, to start a family some day. I could see myself being so happy. Maybe I just wasn't in her league. She was smart, funny, charming, cute, beautiful, everything I could ever want. I'm just damaged goods. But that doesn't make me any less valuable. I have a life story, which means I have high anecdotal value. I guess I just need to find somebody who appreciates that, and loves me for me.
So, I'm keeping my head on my shoulders, but I'm not gonna lie, the past year or so has really taken its toll on me. It's a tragedy to try so hard to make something you want work out, only to have it go absolutely nowhere. I don't even think any of her friends or family know that I exist. I'm like a ghost. Meanwhile everybody I know knows about her. So it's a big loss for me, but on her end, it's almost like nothing ever really happened.
This should be an interesting week. I'm hoping I can get together with some people that I haven't seen in awhile. That would help take my mind off of everything. I'll also spend this time trying to get back some swagger, haha, yeah right. I am going to try my best at work, so I can tire myself out during the day, and maybe pick up a couple extra days so I don't have so much down time. I want to stay somewhat optimistic about life, and where I'm heading. It's going to be difficult, but if I give it my all, I'm going to make it. I'm worth something. And I'm a good catch, just maybe not to everybody. Somebody out there will want to be mine, and for me to be their's. It's just a matter of finding that person. Plus, I'm done with living at home. I've been waiting to find somebody that I can sleep with at night, and wake up with in the morning. Hopefully soon, that's all I'm asking for.
Goodnight everybody. Wish me luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment