not a cry for help.

No, this isn't what it may seem. I'm not looking for somebody to help me, so don't bother. This is just an apology to everybody that I've ever hurt or wronged. I'm sorry for every shitty thing that I've ever done. I don't consider myself a bad person, but I've certainly had my moments. I'm not happy with my life, and it's as simple as that. I've gotten myself into a place in which I see no getting out of. As close as I may have gotten recently, it just never really happened. I'm frustrated with myself, and I have lost the ambition that I had not even more than a month or so ago.

I want to apologize to my family, mostly. I put them through a lot, and I don't want to keep disappointing them. I want it all to just finally come to an end. Every day is just a new opportunity to fuck something else up, and I don't want that anymore.

To my friends, most of whom I don't even see or talk to anymore, I want to thank everybody for the good times, and say that I'm sorry for the not so good times, whatever the reason.

Most of the time, when I really wanted to give in and give up, I was broke, and didn't have much of a way of making it happen. Now, I finally have money, which is nice. I haven't really figured it all out yet, but I know that whatever I'm going to do has to be done. I'm just going to end up hurting myself or others more if I don't.

I've lost the passion for living. Nothing is exciting anymore. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay in, I don't want to do anything but sleep. When I'm asleep, it's the only time that I don't have to feel like I've failed. It's the only time when the hurt goes away. That's why the idea of an eternal slumber is so appealing. I've been flirting with the idea recently, more seriously than before. I don't really think anything else will help. I think about other possibilities, and it all just seems so useless. Nothing will change the past, and nothing will magically make me want to live.

I'm going to try to figure some things out over the next couple days. Maybe I can get some of that spark back. I really hope that I can. I don't want to hurt my family, but I'm trying to weigh out the pros and the cons. I would certainly be happier if I didn't have to be here anymore, but I do care about other people's feelings, which is the only reason I'm here right now.

I don't necessarily have a strong desire to say goodbye just yet, but I don't have a desire to keep going through day by day either. What's the best that can even happen? I'm not in the best of shape to be handling these feelings right now. Heartbreak, failure, insignificance. I have been trying my best to wait patiently for some kind of a break, but the longer I wait, the more that things start to fall apart.

Please, this isn't a cry for help, it really isn't. I'm going to try my best to make things work, but just in case they don't, I want to say that I love everybody. Everybody I've ever had in my life. I wish circumstances could be different. I'm sorry that we've all drifted so far apart. It wasn't my choice, things just happen.

I'll try to keep up to date on this with developments over the next few days. Hopefully, there will be some good news of some sort.