No, I will not continue to complain about her not loving me. It is what it is. The only thing I'm going to say is that it happened at the worst of times. I would almost rather be under the illusion that she is mine, and maybe I wouldn't be in the condition that I am now.
I'm to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. For a good part of the day, especially when I'm at work, I can basically let everything go and just be in the moment. But the second that my brain is not preoccupied with busywork, that's when the sadness begins to set in.
Of course, I had to have a dream about her last night, which didn't make anything any better. I had a dream that I could fly, and I would run and start flying around the room (much like in a manner of swimming, but the water in this instance was the air). She was smiling and happy, and then I saw she got a text message on her phone. I looked at it and it was from her friend, telling her to have fun on her date with some other guy. It actually read "bust your nut left and right next tuesday baby!" I know that's a bit odd, but the whole dream was. So, I felt awful knowing that she was going to be with somebody else. I wonder if maybe she is, besides one person that I'm figuring she always has been with.
So, I'm just beat up. I have to keep convincing myself that life is worth living. I had a moment of happiness when I saw "Remember: Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't". For a couple minutes I felt like everything was going to be alright. This of course faded out rather quickly. I'm not going to get all crazy on here, but I just don't really feel like waking up in the morning anymore. I'd rather just, not. I don't want any of this anymore. I can't ever just be satisfied. I have an insatiable desire, and it's completely void. And unfortunately, that usually leads to seeking out something to temporarily fill that void.
I have off tomorrow again. I hope I don't go crazy. I've resulted to playing games on my phone, and I might resign up for my Xbox Live account tomorrow and play CoD: Black Ops. Maybe that will be a good way to kill time... who knows. It's hard for me to even kill time anymore. It's like, I'm just trying to fill in the emptiness of the day, until maybe something good happens. But nothing good ever happens, which results in endless repetition of dull time-wasting activities. Unfortunately, it's also supposed to rain tomorrow, which really sucks. I guess it will fit in well with my disposition.
I wish I lived in Switzerland. You have a "right to die" there. Go to a doctor, and that's that. Maybe I'll just get myself a plane ticket. I wonder if you have to be a resident... worth looking into. I guess I do have something to do tomorrow after all, lucky me.
I sincerely wish I didn't have to ramble on about this, and could talk about fun stuff, and how lovely everything is. But, until a couple things start looking up, it would all be a lie. I'm not even trying to claim that my life is the worst ever, it's just how I feel. I can't help it. My heart hurts, my brain is tired, my body is reluctantly trudging along. I want to just throw in the towel with this whole life thing. I just want it all to be over. I've been having a rough time for months now, and nothing is helping me. I guess if I had friends or something that would help, but even so.
Above all, my self confidence and self esteem don't even exist anymore. I was doing pretty well in that category for awhile. Oh well. I don't have much else to say, I guess I"ll attempt the whole sleep business now. Adieu.
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