Nothing going on, besides insomnia. Nothing surprising there, eh? I'm partially comforted by the idea of leaving the house around 7:30am. That's only six hours away... I may be able to kill that amount of time with some "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" episodes that I so brilliantly downloaded last night. I watched the first season today already. Unfortunately, I also finished the last episode of Boardwalk Empire, and am sad that I'm going to have to wait for anything new.
I'm not going to complain tonight. I'm pissed that I'm still awake, and I'm pissed that I have no friends, and I'm pissed about so much other shit, but it doesn't help. Sometimes it's nice to get things out, but it's all the same. I already bitched about just about everything. It's times like these when I remember why drugs were such a prominent presence in the past 6 or so years of my life. They make me feel nothing, which hurts a lot less than being lonely all the time. But, I'm trying to deal, and I'm managing, it's just shitty.
It's so hard to be so close, and yet so far.
I had a dream last night that I was with a beautiful girl. We were lost in some city, and somebody I knew drove by, and we got in the car with her to bring us home. I can't really explain the dream in detail, because most of the details pertained to the surroundings. It was a very realistic setting. And I was happy, because I was with somebody. I haven't even gone out on a date in the longest time. I think I'm going to have to switch that up. I'm going to try to start going out on dates or something, having some sort of fun with my time here on earth. I can't have what I want, so I'll try to find something/somebody else to want.
The valentine's day commercials are really pissing on me this year. Not literally, of course, because they are not R Kelly or Tiger Woods, but in a metaphorical sense. (Oh, yes, I just stepped into some humor, how lovely). I see all this shit, and it just kinda sucks. I'm not upset about not spending money, necessarily, but more at the fucked realization that I have nobody to call mine. It's such a simple desire to want to spend time with people, but yet I manage to find it such a difficult prophecy to fulfill.
I watched Craig Ferguson tonight, so that made me a bit happier than I was before 12:37 rolled around. That was just a side note. I was just sitting around earlier, and I began to take a trip in my head through all my dreams throughout the past year or so. Some people like to think back to things that they did, or just look back on their life in general. I prefer to think back to dreams, and all of the beautiful places that will never exist, except for in my mind. All of the beautiful people, all of the lovers, the friends, the enemies, all completely fictional, all just manufactured by my neurological synapses during my R.E.M. sleep. In this state, I am completely happy. It's upon waking that I realize, none of the things I see or do in my dreams will ever come to pass in this "awake" world. I prefer to look at this time as more of the dream, and when I dream is the only time that I am actually living. I even prefer my nightmares to the basic dullness of everyday life. I'd rather be threatened with death throughout the night than deal with another whole day of sitting in my house, alone.
None of this is really going anywhere or making a point, I'm just unable to sleep, and wanted to put some thoughts down on here. I mean, that's what this is for in the first place. I have been in a "what-if" state of mind for the past few weeks. Wondering what could have been, had I not fucked up certain relationships, certain opportunities. I am fully aware of the futility in this act, but it actually does something for me. I think, and I realize that I have fucked up. I am in this position due to multiple years of fucking up. I wish I could pinpoint the cause of all of this ill-natured behavior.
I really do believe that I was maybe just a bit sheltered early on in my life. I didn't really have the opportunity to do most of the things that were going on. I don't blame my parents. I don't think they fucked up in raising me. I think I was just cursed (albeit blessed) with an imaginative mind. I enjoyed altering my mental state, in search of something that may not be there, but nonetheless was searchable. I've had some rather interesting experiences, whether with drugs or without. Sometimes, I do think back to real life memories (as opposed to my favored dream memories), and I notice that I had a pretty good life up until about three years ago (or two and a half or so).
I have more thoughts, but they are more personal, and I'm not going to completely out everything on here, I still have some sort of a guard.
I shouldn't have fallen in love this most recent time. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I thought maybe I had something, some extra ingredient that would make me a more suitable choice over somebody else. I should have never entered the arena. I stand no chance. I have to a) lower standards (not that I really have high standards necessarily), and b) look for somebody who wants me. Simple principles, yet complexly difficult for me to meet.
I just hope by this time next year, maybe I do have somebody to love, who loves me. I want to have kids before I'm fucking 30. I refuse to get much older and maintain my solo status. One way or another, I have to make this work. Or I'll be fucking miserable. Like I am now. I don't want this anymore.
Still considering New York... or maybe saving up a bit more and figuring something completely different out. I really want to make things work here while I'm here, but I don't even seem to be making much progress. I have the job, yes, but the happiness is certainly lacking. I'd rather be happy. The other night, I wondered if taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills would kill me. That's not good. I didn't really plan on doing it, but I shouldn't be thinking anything like that in the first place. I'm just having a rough time. I guess I'll get over it. I better, nobody wants somebody like this.
Yes, this is turning into every other post, so I will cease such nonsense. I just want to love, and be loved, and be happy.
I was looking at cars today. I'm perturbed that my license was suspended for 15 days for a ticket in 2008, but whatever, I lived without it for a few years, 15 days won't kill me. I'm going to get a car most likely by March, and that will definitely be good for me. I'll be one step closer to being a respectable person. Then I can start meeting some people, going out on some dates, maybe finally reaching some sort of happiness. It can be done, and I know this, I'm just upset that it's not going to play out with the intended target.
I'm going to look up some vacations (and maybe some potential living situations) tomorrow on my day off. I'm going to try to get some stuff done. Should be a real blast. As for now, I shall try to get some sleep. I sure hope I can. Dreams sound... I can't even put it in words... Dreams sound like home. I want to go home, where I can be happy. Goodnight.
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