I already made a brief contribution to my Tumblr regarding this subject. I don't really plan on elaborating much more, but I had a strange desire to update this bad boy before I hit the sack.
As the days continue to move on, all seemingly the same, I'm pretty sure that I'm being phased out, being forgotten, by the one girl that I just can't make mine. It's not a very good feeling to have, the feeling of impending doom, that there's nothing left. I'm reassured on occasion that this is not the case, and that she wants to continue to communicate. This would normally sound like good news, but not so much in this case. I've decided to talk to her whenever she wants to talk to me. I'm realizing that she must not want to talk to me much at all, as we are now typically only texting each other a handful of messages each day. I remember I used to try to talk to her all day. Usually she wasn't really able to keep going back and forth for the entire duration of the day, but we certainly had our days. I feel like there is less communication between us for the whole day than there was in about ten minutes back in the days where I think she still wanted me.
It's now quickly approaching three weeks on Friday, a span of time in which I've only seen her once, and it was for less than an hour. If this doesn't say "I don't want you", then I don't really know what does. I am a little upset, to be honest. When I first met her, I immediately felt that I wanted to spend a lot of time with her. She was cool, down to earth, sweet, caring, giving, and beautiful beyond words. When she finally got in contact with me, I felt like my life had finally taken a good turn. Somebody who I am interested in... may actually be interested in me? Now, I should have known better, but I was hopelessly in love for quite awhile. I ignored the fact that I had never been even invited to her place, had no idea even where she lived (still don't). I couldn't even send her flowers on the many occasions that I had wanted to. I've also never really hung out with her anywhere but at my house, which really sucks, considering I'm living with my parents at the moment. So I totally lost cool points there. I would live in an apartment, but I have nobody to live with. I was hoping to find myself a mate, and maybe try to have a place with said love interest. But, that doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon (or maybe ever), so I'm trying to take that in stride. I will have my own place before the summer, I'm not in too much of a rush. No reason. I don't need a place, because I don't have a girl, or even any great friends anymore. Everybody left me.
Which is another thing branching from this topic. I feel like I've also been forgotten by most of my friends. I talked to my friend Matt today, which was interesting. I used to see him just about every day, and now I haven't seen him since Corey's funeral. I guess Matt ran into a bit of a shitty situation, but now he's working on getting things back properly. In that respect, we're much alike. I might try to start hanging out with him again, I always got along with him no matter what. We are both easy going, and get along with just about everybody. I also saw Gina. We were going to go to a party in Cherry Hill, but then I got called into work, and am going to have breakfast with Evan in the morning, so I stayed in instead. I probably should have went out, because I probably could've had some sex, which I've been starved for lately.
But most of my closest friends from the recent past have moved or disappeared into their own little lives, and I don't even talk to anybody. I'm glad Joey and I made up, or I'd really have just about nothing. Plus, it was really nice going to the moon on that nice green stuff the past three nights or so. But mostly everybody else has left me in distant memory. A call from some people every once in awhile would be nice. I try to do the same thing, but most people are assholes and don't answer. I'm not that bad of a person, I don't understand why people just ignore my calls. And it's not like I'd be calling to ask for something either, that was never my thing. Meanwhile, if these same people call me, I can be pretty sure that they are going to need something from me, whether it's information, or somebody else's number, etc.
So, bottom line is, I'm sad that the girl of my dreams is slowly phasing me out. I don't really know what to do, as there's nothing I really can do. I understand that she has a lot going on in her life, and I respect that, and feel for her. I just wish that I was something at least moderately important, somebody that she wanted to see, wanted to talk to, wanted to spend time with. I guess I'm just not that guy, and that's something I'll unfortunately have to live with my whole life, knowing that I wasn't enough.
But on the "I'm really horny" note, I want to have sex with her. Or at least sleep with her, or something. I love her body, I love how she smells, I love how she turns me on. I don't know if this is an option, however. I am almost tempted to ask, but I don't want it to seem like that's all I want. It isn't all I want, but I'd certainly enjoy making love to her, kissing her all over her body. I'm contemplating asking if she has any interest. Maybe do the friends with benefits thing. I mean, can I at least get a consolation prize? I tried so hard, I said everything in my heart, I tried to make her happy, can I at least get to make love? I'll make sure to take care of her properly and everything.
Sorry, that was a bit unneccessary to type out, but I'm beyond sexually frustrated. Not just in the sense that I need sex, but that I want to really make love to "my" girl. I've been doing nothing but missing her touch. I haven't even seen her in the longest time. It's a bit depressing, but then again, so is my life at the moment.
In all, I know that I'm not a bad guy. I have a good heart, I care about people (usually more than about myself), I like to make things funny (because life is just tears without laughter), I'm not completely hideous (though I'm not anything that great looking either, but cmon), and I like to treat women right and have a good time. I love cuddling, listening to whatever anybody has to say, whatever. She doesn't want me, but eventually somebody should. Somebody will love me, right? I sure hope so, or I"m just wasting my time and should just end it right now.
Please, something good, please please please come happen. I could really use a break.
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