not a cry for help.

No, this isn't what it may seem. I'm not looking for somebody to help me, so don't bother. This is just an apology to everybody that I've ever hurt or wronged. I'm sorry for every shitty thing that I've ever done. I don't consider myself a bad person, but I've certainly had my moments. I'm not happy with my life, and it's as simple as that. I've gotten myself into a place in which I see no getting out of. As close as I may have gotten recently, it just never really happened. I'm frustrated with myself, and I have lost the ambition that I had not even more than a month or so ago.

I want to apologize to my family, mostly. I put them through a lot, and I don't want to keep disappointing them. I want it all to just finally come to an end. Every day is just a new opportunity to fuck something else up, and I don't want that anymore.

To my friends, most of whom I don't even see or talk to anymore, I want to thank everybody for the good times, and say that I'm sorry for the not so good times, whatever the reason.

Most of the time, when I really wanted to give in and give up, I was broke, and didn't have much of a way of making it happen. Now, I finally have money, which is nice. I haven't really figured it all out yet, but I know that whatever I'm going to do has to be done. I'm just going to end up hurting myself or others more if I don't.

I've lost the passion for living. Nothing is exciting anymore. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay in, I don't want to do anything but sleep. When I'm asleep, it's the only time that I don't have to feel like I've failed. It's the only time when the hurt goes away. That's why the idea of an eternal slumber is so appealing. I've been flirting with the idea recently, more seriously than before. I don't really think anything else will help. I think about other possibilities, and it all just seems so useless. Nothing will change the past, and nothing will magically make me want to live.

I'm going to try to figure some things out over the next couple days. Maybe I can get some of that spark back. I really hope that I can. I don't want to hurt my family, but I'm trying to weigh out the pros and the cons. I would certainly be happier if I didn't have to be here anymore, but I do care about other people's feelings, which is the only reason I'm here right now.

I don't necessarily have a strong desire to say goodbye just yet, but I don't have a desire to keep going through day by day either. What's the best that can even happen? I'm not in the best of shape to be handling these feelings right now. Heartbreak, failure, insignificance. I have been trying my best to wait patiently for some kind of a break, but the longer I wait, the more that things start to fall apart.

Please, this isn't a cry for help, it really isn't. I'm going to try my best to make things work, but just in case they don't, I want to say that I love everybody. Everybody I've ever had in my life. I wish circumstances could be different. I'm sorry that we've all drifted so far apart. It wasn't my choice, things just happen.

I'll try to keep up to date on this with developments over the next few days. Hopefully, there will be some good news of some sort.

in bad shape.

No, I will not continue to complain about her not loving me. It is what it is. The only thing I'm going to say is that it happened at the worst of times. I would almost rather be under the illusion that she is mine, and maybe I wouldn't be in the condition that I am now.

I'm to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. For a good part of the day, especially when I'm at work, I can basically let everything go and just be in the moment. But the second that my brain is not preoccupied with busywork, that's when the sadness begins to set in.

Of course, I had to have a dream about her last night, which didn't make anything any better. I had a dream that I could fly, and I would run and start flying around the room (much like in a manner of swimming, but the water in this instance was the air). She was smiling and happy, and then I saw she got a text message on her phone. I looked at it and it was from her friend, telling her to have fun on her date with some other guy. It actually read "bust your nut left and right next tuesday baby!" I know that's a bit odd, but the whole dream was. So, I felt awful knowing that she was going to be with somebody else. I wonder if maybe she is, besides one person that I'm figuring she always has been with.

So, I'm just beat up. I have to keep convincing myself that life is worth living. I had a moment of happiness when I saw "Remember: Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't". For a couple minutes I felt like everything was going to be alright. This of course faded out rather quickly. I'm not going to get all crazy on here, but I just don't really feel like waking up in the morning anymore. I'd rather just, not. I don't want any of this anymore. I can't ever just be satisfied. I have an insatiable desire, and it's completely void. And unfortunately, that usually leads to seeking out something to temporarily fill that void.

I have off tomorrow again. I hope I don't go crazy. I've resulted to playing games on my phone, and I might resign up for my Xbox Live account tomorrow and play CoD: Black Ops. Maybe that will be a good way to kill time... who knows. It's hard for me to even kill time anymore. It's like, I'm just trying to fill in the emptiness of the day, until maybe something good happens. But nothing good ever happens, which results in endless repetition of dull time-wasting activities. Unfortunately, it's also supposed to rain tomorrow, which really sucks. I guess it will fit in well with my disposition.

I wish I lived in Switzerland. You have a "right to die" there. Go to a doctor, and that's that. Maybe I'll just get myself a plane ticket. I wonder if you have to be a resident... worth looking into. I guess I do have something to do tomorrow after all, lucky me.

I sincerely wish I didn't have to ramble on about this, and could talk about fun stuff, and how lovely everything is. But, until a couple things start looking up, it would all be a lie. I'm not even trying to claim that my life is the worst ever, it's just how I feel. I can't help it. My heart hurts, my brain is tired, my body is reluctantly trudging along. I want to just throw in the towel with this whole life thing. I just want it all to be over. I've been having a rough time for months now, and nothing is helping me. I guess if I had friends or something that would help, but even so.

Above all, my self confidence and self esteem don't even exist anymore. I was doing pretty well in that category for awhile. Oh well. I don't have much else to say, I guess I"ll attempt the whole sleep business now. Adieu.

its funny

I remember how just a few months back I thought that December would be the greatest month ever, and the start of an even better existence on this planet. However, I was wrong. I thought that with less things on the schedule, more time could be spent, and whatnot. It really sucks that nothing worked out as I hoped it would, not even close. Now, I see her even less, and talk to her much less. I didn't hear a word from her all day. I think maybe she finally just moved on, stopped feeling bad about it or something.

I never asked her to feel bad for me. I just wanted to be with her. The worst part is, that once I didn't see her as often, things got even shittier. I was comforted by my aforementioned belief. That's why I held on so long. Now it's been over a year and things just don't even exist anymore. Like, what happened? I thought I had the perfect setup, and now I have even less than what I thought I ever had before.

It's not a good thing, this state I'm in. I'm not going into details, but everybody says I look like shit. I guess that's not a good sign. Oh well, I don't care if other people think I look like shit. It's just a reflection of the condition I'm in, and how I feel.

I wish I would've known sooner that this would happen. So I would have at least kept some of my heart for myself.

Hopefully this will be the night where I go to sleep for a long time. I'm tired of everything. Just so tired...

Can't seem to sleep, yet again.

I'm not going to make this long, as I don't really have much to talk about. But, I just wanted to at least update in some regard, since I can't fall asleep at the moment anyway, and I have ran out of other options to make time disappear.

I am pretty sure that I need to be out of my house by mid March now. So, this should be an interesting month or so. Somehow in that time period I'm supposed to make a friend, or convince one of mine to live with me. Or, optimally, I'm going to try to find a girl that I can live with. But obviously that's not going to happen, as I could never be so fortunate!

I have to go to a meeting, I guess sort of like training, in Bensalem tomorrow. I'm meeting everybody at Springfield around 9:15 and we are all going to go up together. On another note, I did get my license back for good finally. So, not all bad news today. I walked halfway from Elwyn train station to my house at 12:45 at night... that was also interesting. I had to jump away from a car, it was almost like they were trying to hit me. I should have let them... I wasn't really thinking about it at the time. Another easy opportunity to check out of this life wasted.

Drugs make everything less shitty! But yet not at the same time. Hard to describe.

I'm in a decent mood though, so I guess I'll try to sleep now. Peacee.

more general use.

I guess it's time for me to start using this blog for more general purposes, as opposed to a rant blog (although titled "The Rantings of a Mad Man"). This may prove difficult, as my normal day to day life is void of any publish worthy events. I mostly am either sitting at home, at work, or maybe on occasion, out.

Today I wasn't supposed to work, but I filled in for Chris. I didn't get in until about 2:00 PM. I went to breakfast with Evan at Tom Jones around 10:30, and then after that I decided it would be a wonderful idea to take a quick nap. An hour and a half later, I woke up frightened. I had no idea what time it was, I thought maybe I had missed the whole day. I had trouble waking up this morning, and this trouble continued as soon as I awoke from my nap.

Sold one phone at work today. Didn't really do all that much of anything. I bought a hat, and continued to read Booky Wook 2. I did see the girl of my dreams, but I don't have much to say about that. She's not exactly happy with me at the moment, but it's all for a good reason I suppose. I want a girl who doesn't quite want me back, and also I believe wants me to not want her. This is extremely complicated, as she's the only thing I want at all, every possibility included. We had a conversation about this as my outlet, but I'm going to steer away from that.

I only seem to talk about said topic, my loneliness and how I want her. Believe you me, I would LOVE to talk about anything else. But this is all that's on my mind, every morning, all day, every night. Sometimes I can't sleep because it's bothering me. Why am I not what she wants? But that's a question I may never know the answer to, so what's the point in wondering? I don't know, I see my rationale and hers at the same time, so I'm just most likely going to be updating this probably less frequently, as I'll try to only update when I actually have an update. Before, I was using this as just a whatever type deal. But it seems that that specific format is unfavorable, so I'm doing a good ol' switcheroo.

Work in about 6 hours, then work again the next day (including a training meeting in Bensalem). Then, finally off Thursday. I haven't had off since last Friday! I also believe that my license will be restored Wednesday, so I can start going out and getting into mischief with Tim or Tom or Chris. Whoever. I just need something to take my mind off of everything. I'm trying to get that peace of mind through activity rather than drugs. But drugs do a much better job, I will admit.

Ugh, another day lonely, but another day finally coming to an end so I don't have to live in it anymore. I hope my dreams will bring me something to be happy about. I had a dream last night that I had a girlfriend, and I was in love. It was the best dream I've had in a long time.

Peaceee

being forgotten.

I already made a brief contribution to my Tumblr regarding this subject. I don't really plan on elaborating much more, but I had a strange desire to update this bad boy before I hit the sack.

As the days continue to move on, all seemingly the same, I'm pretty sure that I'm being phased out, being forgotten, by the one girl that I just can't make mine. It's not a very good feeling to have, the feeling of impending doom, that there's nothing left. I'm reassured on occasion that this is not the case, and that she wants to continue to communicate. This would normally sound like good news, but not so much in this case. I've decided to talk to her whenever she wants to talk to me. I'm realizing that she must not want to talk to me much at all, as we are now typically only texting each other a handful of messages each day. I remember I used to try to talk to her all day. Usually she wasn't really able to keep going back and forth for the entire duration of the day, but we certainly had our days. I feel like there is less communication between us for the whole day than there was in about ten minutes back in the days where I think she still wanted me.

It's now quickly approaching three weeks on Friday, a span of time in which I've only seen her once, and it was for less than an hour. If this doesn't say "I don't want you", then I don't really know what does. I am a little upset, to be honest. When I first met her, I immediately felt that I wanted to spend a lot of time with her. She was cool, down to earth, sweet, caring, giving, and beautiful beyond words. When she finally got in contact with me, I felt like my life had finally taken a good turn. Somebody who I am interested in... may actually be interested in me? Now, I should have known better, but I was hopelessly in love for quite awhile. I ignored the fact that I had never been even invited to her place, had no idea even where she lived (still don't). I couldn't even send her flowers on the many occasions that I had wanted to. I've also never really hung out with her anywhere but at my house, which really sucks, considering I'm living with my parents at the moment. So I totally lost cool points there. I would live in an apartment, but I have nobody to live with. I was hoping to find myself a mate, and maybe try to have a place with said love interest. But, that doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon (or maybe ever), so I'm trying to take that in stride. I will have my own place before the summer, I'm not in too much of a rush. No reason. I don't need a place, because I don't have a girl, or even any great friends anymore. Everybody left me.

Which is another thing branching from this topic. I feel like I've also been forgotten by most of my friends. I talked to my friend Matt today, which was interesting. I used to see him just about every day, and now I haven't seen him since Corey's funeral. I guess Matt ran into a bit of a shitty situation, but now he's working on getting things back properly. In that respect, we're much alike. I might try to start hanging out with him again, I always got along with him no matter what. We are both easy going, and get along with just about everybody. I also saw Gina. We were going to go to a party in Cherry Hill, but then I got called into work, and am going to have breakfast with Evan in the morning, so I stayed in instead. I probably should have went out, because I probably could've had some sex, which I've been starved for lately.

But most of my closest friends from the recent past have moved or disappeared into their own little lives, and I don't even talk to anybody. I'm glad Joey and I made up, or I'd really have just about nothing. Plus, it was really nice going to the moon on that nice green stuff the past three nights or so. But mostly everybody else has left me in distant memory. A call from some people every once in awhile would be nice. I try to do the same thing, but most people are assholes and don't answer. I'm not that bad of a person, I don't understand why people just ignore my calls. And it's not like I'd be calling to ask for something either, that was never my thing. Meanwhile, if these same people call me, I can be pretty sure that they are going to need something from me, whether it's information, or somebody else's number, etc.

So, bottom line is, I'm sad that the girl of my dreams is slowly phasing me out. I don't really know what to do, as there's nothing I really can do. I understand that she has a lot going on in her life, and I respect that, and feel for her. I just wish that I was something at least moderately important, somebody that she wanted to see, wanted to talk to, wanted to spend time with. I guess I'm just not that guy, and that's something I'll unfortunately have to live with my whole life, knowing that I wasn't enough.

But on the "I'm really horny" note, I want to have sex with her. Or at least sleep with her, or something. I love her body, I love how she smells, I love how she turns me on. I don't know if this is an option, however. I am almost tempted to ask, but I don't want it to seem like that's all I want. It isn't all I want, but I'd certainly enjoy making love to her, kissing her all over her body. I'm contemplating asking if she has any interest. Maybe do the friends with benefits thing. I mean, can I at least get a consolation prize? I tried so hard, I said everything in my heart, I tried to make her happy, can I at least get to make love? I'll make sure to take care of her properly and everything.

Sorry, that was a bit unneccessary to type out, but I'm beyond sexually frustrated. Not just in the sense that I need sex, but that I want to really make love to "my" girl. I've been doing nothing but missing her touch. I haven't even seen her in the longest time. It's a bit depressing, but then again, so is my life at the moment.

In all, I know that I'm not a bad guy. I have a good heart, I care about people (usually more than about myself), I like to make things funny (because life is just tears without laughter), I'm not completely hideous (though I'm not anything that great looking either, but cmon), and I like to treat women right and have a good time. I love cuddling, listening to whatever anybody has to say, whatever. She doesn't want me, but eventually somebody should. Somebody will love me, right? I sure hope so, or I"m just wasting my time and should just end it right now.

Please, something good, please please please come happen. I could really use a break.

yes, it's 5 am, and i'm still awake.

Why is it that I let things that should be trivial dictate my feelings? I really have to put an end to this. Today was a good day, so that's what's important. I felt great when I woke up, and up until now, I was having a decent day. It would have all been wonderful had I been able to get some sleep tonight. Instead, I've been kept awake, thinking.

I talked to Mary tonight for awhile. She had some insight, and tried to encourage me. She said she is in a similar situation, and that I should trust her or something, but none of it was comforting. Basically, it just seems like I'm shit out of luck as far as the one thing that I want, and I just gotta deal with it. So, that's basically what I'm going to do. I'm thinking that after all this, all this pain throughout the past year or so, I should finally be able to tough it out and move along. I owe myself that. I don't deserve to feel this way, it's not right.

So, work today should be fine, and then tomorrow night I'll probably go out with some people and get nice and shitty. Hopefully make an ass out of myself, maybe even wake up somewhere unfamiliar *crosses fingers*. I guess it's about time to start living, and stop standing still, waiting for somebody to love me. It's not going to happen, so I'm going to make things happen for myself.

I'm actually a bit pumped... I think things can change after all. There are beyond plenty of fish in the sea. I just had to get my fishing rod... ooo, that could totally be a sexual innuendo as well! AWESOME!

Okay, maybe I'm a bit loopy from lack of sleep. Apologies all around. Now, back to playing Angry Birds on my phone.

still awake.

I didn't think that I would be updating this tonight, but my inability to fall asleep has prevented me from abstaining.

Today was a pretty decent day overall. I worked, but not hard. Matt and I just kind of hung out for the majority of the day, listening to Phil Collins, Starship, and a few other wonderful artists. We sat on our phones, browsed the internet, watched videos, etc. I sold a phone early on in the day, but the mall was pretty deserted for the majority of the day. Tim came to hang out with us for an hour or so, which was nice.

Then, as 9:00 rolls around (and Angela was outside waiting for me to come out and give me a ride home), five people walk into the store. Of course, I'm doing the closing paperwork, because I'm quick, so Matt starts talking to the customers. Eventually, it is decided that they want to upgrade a line. Of course, this couldn't be simple, we had to call customer care twice, and then we had to redo all of the paperwork once the transaction was completed. Long story short, we didn't even leave until 10, and Matt gave me a ride home.

So, once I got home, I played Treasure Madness for about two hours. I don't know how I managed such a ridiculous feat, but I did. And then about an hour ago I decided to lay down and try to sleep. It's clearly evident that my attempt failed. Then, my dad came home, so I went downstairs to see him. He pointed out that it was trash night, so I went out and took the trash around. Now, after laying in bed for another twenty minutes or so, I find myself with little else to do. I really want to go get some food somewhere, but they only place I can really think of at the moment is Tom Jones, and I'm not going alone. So I guess I'm just shit out of luck with that idea.

I think I'm going to hang out in Philly tomorrow whenever I decide to leave the house. I don't think I have the patience to sit around my house all day, that usually makes me feel just the slightest bit suicidal. I need to do something with my time. I have watching TV, and the internet gets old really quick, so I'm going to go occupy my mind with some urban exploration. More like I'm going to try to hang out with some friends in the city that I haven't seen for awhile.

I hardly even talked to the object of my affection today. I think maybe two text messages? I don't know how to feel about it. I guess it's good that I'm not relying on her to make it through my day. But, I feel like this is what she wanted the whole time. It's that whole, "if you love something, let it go" deal. But I don't see her coming back to me at all, so I guess she was never mine to begin with. Nothing new there, I'm quite accustomed to loneliness and disappointment.

Tim and I are going to be eachother's wingmen I suppose. We seem to both be in a similar situation, one in which we used to be on top of the world, and are now living shit lives. Maybe hanging out will bring the best back in each of us. Plus, we need to find some female companionship. I want to find love, it's as simple as that. I feel like I'm so far behind. So many people I knew from high school are either married or engaged. It's just crazy. I figured that would be me. Now look, I don't even have anything close to a relationship. Honestly, I'm just disappointed in myself. However, I did get hit on today by a group of girls, so maybe I can still get it. I may not be enough for the one I want, but I gotta be enough for somebody, especially since I'm finally going to have my shit together.

I'm thinking about maybe living with Tim. I know he wants to get out of his house, and I get along wonderfully with him, so why not? I'm definitely not planning it, but it's a thought if I decide to stay around here. I guess I'll figure that out as time goes on. I'm just living day by day. I lost the only girl that was really keeping me from losing my mind, so now I'm just on my own, trying not to swerve off the road.

I'm not going to lie, I have a bad feeling about the future. I hope I can keep my shit together, but the way things are now, all the shit that's brought me down doesn't look so bad anymore. I'm trying to stay focused, but I have nothing right now. I was doing pretty well when I thought maybe I had a chance of making things with a certain somebody work out. Now I just kind of feel... I don't know how to describe it... besides "lost". Every day feels pointless lately. I'm just trying to survive now, and I've lost sight of whatever I thought I wanted, because it's all gone.

Hopefully in a few hours, I'll get out of the house and make myself have a good day. Maybe I'll just get really stoned and forget about how much everything sucks. It really is a wonderful cure-all.

Either way, I'm going to try to find something else to do besides keep ranting on here. Maybe browse OkCupid some more, or hit up some ex girlfriends on Facebook. What a wonderful life I do lead.

Before I Start Something.

I am just about to start writing something for Drexel, but I decided to be a proper lad and give this old thing an update before doing so.

What am I doing at the moment, you may ask? I'm jamming out to Michael Cassette, looking up some details for a proposed trip to Miami on the 24th, and am sitting in my computer chair, wrapped in a blanket, in the dark. I haven't left my house today, yet again. It's quite a sad tale, this life I live. Fortunately for me, I am fully aware of the potential in the coming months, years, however long. It's just, at this time, I have a suspended license. Therefore, I am unable to go do anything. And, unfortunately, I have nobody around here that gives even a partial shit about me. Besides for work, I have no left my house once, or even had anybody stop by, even just to say hello. This makes me feel just a little unimportant. I mean, obviously I'm meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but I thought ("thought") I had at least a couple people close enough to me to give a shit of some sort.

But, life has taken an interesting turn. It now seems that the only friends I have are in places that are nowhere near here. It was only about two weeks ago maybe that I thought that I had a few people in my life. Then, all of this past week went by, and now I have nobody, nothing. This is fine, it just sucks right here, right now. I don't want to be sitting here, doing nothing. I've done plenty of that for, literally, the entire week. I was hoping on one certain thing maybe coming through, but alas, that has not happened. So, I obviously have come to grips with the idea that I can't depend on anything to make me happy, I just have to do that for myself.

Now, as previously stated, I do know that things will improve. I will eventually find somebody that wants to be my girl, I will eventually have friends that aren't so fickle and boring. Actually, I do have that, but they aren't anywhere close. Once I get my license back in about ten days, I envision myself going back to my old ways. I will be up in the NYC area every day that I don't have to work, as I will be getting a car hopefully around the first week of March or so. It's hilarious that I have no quips about driving two or three hours to see people I care about, but I don't know anybody that will even drive twenty minutes to see me.

I can't be mad at anybody. It's not their problem. I am completely aware of that. It's just a big disappointment, you know? When you realize that you never really had anything that you though you did.

Anyways, I have to write a personal statement regarding my absence from two complete terms at Drexel. This all took place following the suicide of one of my friends that I grew up with. I basically lost all focus, and just went heavier into drugs. Of course, this was only one suicide, and I'm not talking about the prior deaths of two friends that occurred only maybe a year earlier. I believe this was also when I was transitioning back to my house, after my mother had her car accident. It was a very hectic time, and then I lost my great job, and everything just kind of went to shit after that.

So, putting things in perspective, things are much better now. At least I'm not spending a couple hundred dollars on drugs every day. Which is why I find it incredible that one of my friends would start calling me a drug addict just because he was angry with me about something. I have no need to get into that story, but that's the kind of people I'm dealing with around here. That, and of course the people that only want to see me when they need something, or when it is convenient for them. I just don't see why people are like they are. I guess I'm too much of a softy or something. I'm always there for people, whether they need me or not. I'm not claiming to be some great guy, but I just think that's how people should be. I know I'd feel 100% better if I could at least have one person come by to see how I'm doing. It's such a simple task, yet nobody deems it necessary in my case.

I guess that was my little rant for the night. I'm just looking for ways to kill time until the morning. "The Kids Are All Right" was wonderful to watch at 4:30 AM when I couldn't sleep. I did actually manage to fall asleep for about 3 hours, until I was woken up by a customer, who I gave my number to in case they had any questions about their phone. Who does that? Not the store number, my personal number. Oh well, I'll help when I can.

I'm going to get to Drexel hopefully early tomorrow. I'm just realizing as I type this that tomorrow is valentine's day. What a shitty day. The only person that I want to be my valentine, well, she doesn't want to be mine. And I haven't even seen her for awhile now. I'm a bit worried that whatever we could have had might be lost as far as she's concerned. But, I know how I feel, and I know that I love her, and that's just about all that I can do. Can't make somebody love you. Believe me, I've been trying for about a year now. And I've tried in the past. It's the most futile thing.

Oh yea, and that brings me to another point. I was updating my OkCupid account, and the question came up "Do you think that doomed, impossible love is either: A) Romantic B) Foolish C)Creepy". Of course, I went with "Romantic", but I also specified that it is also foolish. I believe I said "Love should never be doomed or impossible. In a perfect world, this would not be an issue" or something of that likeness. One day, somebody will be very happy with me, I just have to be given the chance, that's all.

I'm hoping I can go to sleep after I write this statement. I don't really have the patience to watch another movie at the moment, especially since I'm feeling extremely shitty. But like I said, I know this will pass. I just wish I didn't have to suffer like this right now. Especially when there is a simple cure. I guess it's not so simple after all, people have to like you first.

Goodnight :)

time killing.

so i've waste the past 3 or so hours just posting on tumblr, twitter, and facebook. i found some pretty cool stuff while doing so, as well. today was a decent day at work, but shitty personally. i haven't seen the one person i really want to see for well over a week, so we'll see what happens there.

gonna try to sleep now. goodnight.

so...

Yea.. nothing seems to get any better. At least I made a little bit of money today. But really, it doesn't make up for the fact that everything else is quite shitty. I haven't seen anybody, friend, whatever, for at least about a week now. That just kinda kills me. I was standing around today, and I decided that I don't like my job enough (more that I hate my life too much) to stick around here. Although I did meet a pretty girl... but still. I think I need to get the fuck out.

Nothing good ever happens to me. I wish I had the balls to just off myself now, but I don't. I've been bitchy, but holding quite strong. I'm losing that grip. I just want to die.

If anybody kills me, they are entitled to all of my things.

Goodnight, hope I don't wake up. But unfortunately... I will, most likely.

I just kinda went on and on for a bit.

Nothing going on, besides insomnia. Nothing surprising there, eh? I'm partially comforted by the idea of leaving the house around 7:30am. That's only six hours away... I may be able to kill that amount of time with some "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" episodes that I so brilliantly downloaded last night. I watched the first season today already. Unfortunately, I also finished the last episode of Boardwalk Empire, and am sad that I'm going to have to wait for anything new.

I'm not going to complain tonight. I'm pissed that I'm still awake, and I'm pissed that I have no friends, and I'm pissed about so much other shit, but it doesn't help. Sometimes it's nice to get things out, but it's all the same. I already bitched about just about everything. It's times like these when I remember why drugs were such a prominent presence in the past 6 or so years of my life. They make me feel nothing, which hurts a lot less than being lonely all the time. But, I'm trying to deal, and I'm managing, it's just shitty.

It's so hard to be so close, and yet so far.

I had a dream last night that I was with a beautiful girl. We were lost in some city, and somebody I knew drove by, and we got in the car with her to bring us home. I can't really explain the dream in detail, because most of the details pertained to the surroundings. It was a very realistic setting. And I was happy, because I was with somebody. I haven't even gone out on a date in the longest time. I think I'm going to have to switch that up. I'm going to try to start going out on dates or something, having some sort of fun with my time here on earth. I can't have what I want, so I'll try to find something/somebody else to want.

The valentine's day commercials are really pissing on me this year. Not literally, of course, because they are not R Kelly or Tiger Woods, but in a metaphorical sense. (Oh, yes, I just stepped into some humor, how lovely). I see all this shit, and it just kinda sucks. I'm not upset about not spending money, necessarily, but more at the fucked realization that I have nobody to call mine. It's such a simple desire to want to spend time with people, but yet I manage to find it such a difficult prophecy to fulfill.

I watched Craig Ferguson tonight, so that made me a bit happier than I was before 12:37 rolled around. That was just a side note. I was just sitting around earlier, and I began to take a trip in my head through all my dreams throughout the past year or so. Some people like to think back to things that they did, or just look back on their life in general. I prefer to think back to dreams, and all of the beautiful places that will never exist, except for in my mind. All of the beautiful people, all of the lovers, the friends, the enemies, all completely fictional, all just manufactured by my neurological synapses during my R.E.M. sleep. In this state, I am completely happy. It's upon waking that I realize, none of the things I see or do in my dreams will ever come to pass in this "awake" world. I prefer to look at this time as more of the dream, and when I dream is the only time that I am actually living. I even prefer my nightmares to the basic dullness of everyday life. I'd rather be threatened with death throughout the night than deal with another whole day of sitting in my house, alone.

None of this is really going anywhere or making a point, I'm just unable to sleep, and wanted to put some thoughts down on here. I mean, that's what this is for in the first place. I have been in a "what-if" state of mind for the past few weeks. Wondering what could have been, had I not fucked up certain relationships, certain opportunities. I am fully aware of the futility in this act, but it actually does something for me. I think, and I realize that I have fucked up. I am in this position due to multiple years of fucking up. I wish I could pinpoint the cause of all of this ill-natured behavior.

I really do believe that I was maybe just a bit sheltered early on in my life. I didn't really have the opportunity to do most of the things that were going on. I don't blame my parents. I don't think they fucked up in raising me. I think I was just cursed (albeit blessed) with an imaginative mind. I enjoyed altering my mental state, in search of something that may not be there, but nonetheless was searchable. I've had some rather interesting experiences, whether with drugs or without. Sometimes, I do think back to real life memories (as opposed to my favored dream memories), and I notice that I had a pretty good life up until about three years ago (or two and a half or so).

I have more thoughts, but they are more personal, and I'm not going to completely out everything on here, I still have some sort of a guard.

I shouldn't have fallen in love this most recent time. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I thought maybe I had something, some extra ingredient that would make me a more suitable choice over somebody else. I should have never entered the arena. I stand no chance. I have to a) lower standards (not that I really have high standards necessarily), and b) look for somebody who wants me. Simple principles, yet complexly difficult for me to meet.

I just hope by this time next year, maybe I do have somebody to love, who loves me. I want to have kids before I'm fucking 30. I refuse to get much older and maintain my solo status. One way or another, I have to make this work. Or I'll be fucking miserable. Like I am now. I don't want this anymore.

Still considering New York... or maybe saving up a bit more and figuring something completely different out. I really want to make things work here while I'm here, but I don't even seem to be making much progress. I have the job, yes, but the happiness is certainly lacking. I'd rather be happy. The other night, I wondered if taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills would kill me. That's not good. I didn't really plan on doing it, but I shouldn't be thinking anything like that in the first place. I'm just having a rough time. I guess I'll get over it. I better, nobody wants somebody like this.

Yes, this is turning into every other post, so I will cease such nonsense. I just want to love, and be loved, and be happy.

I was looking at cars today. I'm perturbed that my license was suspended for 15 days for a ticket in 2008, but whatever, I lived without it for a few years, 15 days won't kill me. I'm going to get a car most likely by March, and that will definitely be good for me. I'll be one step closer to being a respectable person. Then I can start meeting some people, going out on some dates, maybe finally reaching some sort of happiness. It can be done, and I know this, I'm just upset that it's not going to play out with the intended target.

I'm going to look up some vacations (and maybe some potential living situations) tomorrow on my day off. I'm going to try to get some stuff done. Should be a real blast. As for now, I shall try to get some sleep. I sure hope I can. Dreams sound... I can't even put it in words... Dreams sound like home. I want to go home, where I can be happy. Goodnight.

okay...

Well, I went through another whole day of not leaving the house. I'm getting a bit fed up. However, I must state that I managed an extremely positive mood throughout the day.

I've had nothing but time to do some thinking. I've decided to see how much money I can make at my current job for a little bit longer, and then I want to compare the pros and cons to going back to new york. I finally can drive, so I think that I can deliver for my uncle, and I would love to just drive around all day. Plus, I don't think anything around here is going to work out for me. I am tired of waiting for something that's never going to happen. I want to make something work, and maybe I need a change of venue.

I'm off tomorrow again, which somewhat blows. At least my dad is off too, so I won't be alone all day with nothing to do. I'll make sure we find something to entertain us for at least a little bit of time. It really sucks, I didn't talk to anybody really all day. It's a shame. I like to think I'm at least decent company... I don't know. Whatever.

Well, I got some more shit on my mind, but nothing really new. I'm just going over this whole New York thing over and over again in my head. I like my job, but to be happy, the one thing that would really help isn't going to happen, and I don't really have anybody around here. Maybe I can start anew somewhere else. That's what I'm hoping for.

I guess we'll see... I'll give it a few weeks, since I just really started working. But, I'm not going to wait very long if I'm going to do this. I'm going to keep enough money on hand so I can move into a place up there. I can always hang out with Danny if I live up there, it's only about a 45 minute drive, which is nothing. I could actually go to NYC every day if I wanted to. So... it seems like a pretty good idea.

Time will tell.. I need to remedy my situation.

at work..

I've been trying my best to get back to my positive attitude that I was gifted by some divine intervention for a few days. Yesterday wasn't all too bad. In all honesty, today isn't exactly the worst either. There's just the same things that are bothering me, and I don't know how to shake them.

Most of this sudden unhappiness can probably be attributed to my anxiety, and my lack of patience. I feel like I've been patient, I really do. I haven't really caught a break for a few years now. How long do I have to be patient for before I get some form of relief. Said relief could be distributed in many forms. Perhaps a person to live with, a couple new friends perhaps, or ultimately, finding somebody to spend some real quality time with. I've never been good at being alone. And, much to my dismay, I find myself constantly without any sort of company. Even now, at work, due to my partner's girlfriend having a baby, I'm all alone at work, and have been here for over three hours. I can't even go get myself a drink... or food... because our front gate to the store just decided to not function anymore as it got halfway open upon my arrival.

So, nothing new about the loneliness I guess. I hate that I come to this to complain so often, but really... who/what else do I have to talk to? I have perhaps the most fairweather friends known to man. With basically everybody, it's feast or famine. I'll either see them a lot, or not at all. I guess I only have myself to blame. I'm no fun anymore, I'm just a miserable lump of 24 year old meat.

That brings me on to my next bothersome issue. I was doing pretty well in the self esteem department, even throughout the bad times. But now, I'm really starting to come back on all of that. I haven't been able to secure really any friends (as in the kind you see multiple times a week, even), and I can't seem to find any sort of relationship at the moment. I'm living at home because I have nobody that would want to live with me. I'm just... I'm a bum. Having a nice job and everything is good, but I have nobody to share anything with. If something funny happens, or anything interesting, I really have nobody to tell. That's fairly embarrassing, and I feel myself falling into an even more ominous state of self-loathing.

There was a bit of good news, though I'm sure nothing will come of it. I spoke to Lauren last night on the phone, and she was saying that she might want to move back to Philly from Florida. I told her that I'd be here, and we can make things work up this way. I always got along well with her. Maybe there could even be some sort of potential there, as we were pretty close for awhile. That would be a godsend. I just want somebody so bad. And if you can't be with the one that you love, love the one you're with. I have a bad feeling that this will be the story of my life, since I don't see myself, especially in this state, having any chance with the one that I actually do love. It's taken this long, and I haven't really made any progress at all. If anything, I would say that I've made negative progress. I feel like the spark is gone on her end. I still have the same, if not even more, feelings for her. But, I don't know if it's just me, if it's how I'm going about it, or what, but she just doesn't want me. This is the biggest dagger to the heart that's dragging me down.

I don't want to go partying anymore. I want to be settled, and happy, and I just don't think I have anything to offer anybody at this point. I feel like I've exhausted all my resources of the heart, and it's just so hard to even trudge along day by day. My heart belongs to somebody else, but it's not really wanted in that aspect. I've always been the friend to basically every girl I've ever wanted. I was hoping that by this age, maybe I'd not be in the same situation that I've lived all of the previous years in.

I have a bad feeling most of this post didn't really have any certain direction, and didn't really get anything across correctly. That could be due to the fact that I didn't sleep even for a minute last night. I was upset, and I just was in my bed for a few hours, unable to sleep, until I started watching Californication. I really hate it when I'm too upset to sleep. It makes for the most miserable night.

I know what I have to do to maybe cheer myself up a little. I am first going to figure out what car I'm going to buy. That's not too hard. But then I need to find a place. That's the hard part. I don't want to live alone, but I can't live at my house, because that's beyond lame. I want to find some people that I can just hang out with, relax, and enjoy eachother's company. That shouldn't be all that difficult. And really, I just want to be in love. I keep having dreams in which I have the girl, and everything is wonderful. Then I wake up spooning with my body pillow.

This post was absolutely stupid. I sound like a fucking moron, but I'm going to post it anyway so I can laugh at myself at a later date. I just want to be loved. Why am I unloveable?

I kinda just want to cry right now... that's so lame. So I won't, I'll just make it through work, and then go home and do nothing like usual. And then do the same thing tomorrow. Things have to get better someday. Somebody will want me someday. I wish it was the person I want, but I'll settle for second best at this point. I'm getting antsy. Peace.

Yet Another Day Alone

Well, today has come, and today has gone. I guess that's not such a bad thing. It's another day that I made it through in generally good spirits. But now it's time to get some sleep, but I am lying here with a very heavy heart.

I've been delaying my decision process regarding my current situation. I was certainly hoping to salvage something out of the mess that I'm in. But, I am finally going to take the first step towards moving on, trying to start anew. I've been stagnant for the past year, and if anything, things have just gotten worse. I envisioned being much happier by this time, with a certain somebody. I am still holding firm to the belief that this would indeed to a possibility. However, a one sided deal just doesn't get any kind of traction at all. That's basically what I have been laboring under, and it's disheartening. I put all my cards on the table pretty early on in the game, and maybe that was a mistake. But, it happened how it happened. And now it's noticeably not going anywhere at this point.

I'm really not looking forward to the whole process of finding somebody new. At this point in time, that whole ordeal sounds overwhelming. I guess i just have to put myself out there and just take things from there. I know that with all of my other brush-ins with love, it was never nearly as difficult as this time around. I don't know if it was because it wasn't as intense, or just because the other person actually wanted to be with me (thus making things a hell of a lot less complicated), but this most recent scuffle has left be a bit bruised and weary. I sure as shit don't want any even mild repeat of what I've been trying to work out for the past year. I want something straightforward, something that's not going to leave me broken hearted. As long as I just keep my cool and don't get too worked up about it, I shouldn't have too hard of a time.

I think I have to go back to being the guy that I'm not, the guy that doesn't overly care. My problem is, that when I fall for somebody, I fall rather hard. It's extremely difficult to hold in my feelings, and I like to let that person know how much they mean to me. However, this does not appear to be the most successful way to a girl's heart. It would seem that they would prefer to be treated as nothing special, like I couldn't give a shit if I saw them or not. This would somehow make me more attractive to them. I understand it in some ways... girls don't want a guy that needs them. But why is it a crime to want them? Why is that such a deal breaker?

About six years ago, I seemed to have everything pretty well figured out. I have no game left, though, so this go around will be no picnic. I just have to let things flow I suppose, and not really try. I've basically made it alone for the last few months for the most part, so what's the big change? Nothing. Except the lost hope. I really thought she could be the one. I wanted to live with her, to start a family some day. I could see myself being so happy. Maybe I just wasn't in her league. She was smart, funny, charming, cute, beautiful, everything I could ever want. I'm just damaged goods. But that doesn't make me any less valuable. I have a life story, which means I have high anecdotal value. I guess I just need to find somebody who appreciates that, and loves me for me.

So, I'm keeping my head on my shoulders, but I'm not gonna lie, the past year or so has really taken its toll on me. It's a tragedy to try so hard to make something you want work out, only to have it go absolutely nowhere. I don't even think any of her friends or family know that I exist. I'm like a ghost. Meanwhile everybody I know knows about her. So it's a big loss for me, but on her end, it's almost like nothing ever really happened.

This should be an interesting week. I'm hoping I can get together with some people that I haven't seen in awhile. That would help take my mind off of everything. I'll also spend this time trying to get back some swagger, haha, yeah right. I am going to try my best at work, so I can tire myself out during the day, and maybe pick up a couple extra days so I don't have so much down time. I want to stay somewhat optimistic about life, and where I'm heading. It's going to be difficult, but if I give it my all, I'm going to make it. I'm worth something. And I'm a good catch, just maybe not to everybody. Somebody out there will want to be mine, and for me to be their's. It's just a matter of finding that person. Plus, I'm done with living at home. I've been waiting to find somebody that I can sleep with at night, and wake up with in the morning. Hopefully soon, that's all I'm asking for.

Goodnight everybody. Wish me luck!

long day tomorrow.

I have to head out of my house by 6am to get to a meeting in New Jersey. Yes, that means in about 4 hours. I wish I could sleep, but I can't. I'm going to try right after this brief post, but we'll see how that goes. I was basically sleeping from 2am last night until about 4pm today. I didn't get the surprise visit I was hoping for, but that's not exactly surprising.

Got to see Katie's apartment. It's very nice. I'm really happy for her. Joey and Anthony were also there after going to the auto show. I drove them home. Then, Joey decided to start acting like a complete asshole once we got home. I don't know what his deal is, but it's safe to say that I don't really feel like talking to him anymore. He was name calling and all kinds of other immature shit. I don't do that. Or I could tell him how much of a loser he is, doing dishes for shit money, living at home, no license, with a kid. But hey, whatever, I'm not gonna go saying that to his face. I can get it out on here because he doesn't read this. It's just absolutely ridiculous. The situation that happened makes it even more outlandish. Whatever, he can continue being a dick head, and living that semblance of a life. I wish him luck.

I just hate how I seem to be around people that like me some of the time. I used to have great friends, and a girl that loved me just as I loved her. Now, I don't even really have any prospects as far as making a life with somebody, and I don't really have any good friends. Usually, this would justify me being all shitty and sobbing on here. But today, I'm still in a wonderful mood! I can't let it get me down, there's just no point. Everything will work out.

Seeing Katie's apartment made me long for my own home. I'm basically a guest in my house as it is, so I want to find a place. I was hoping to be moving in with a girlfriend/significant other or something, and that's why I've been holding off. Unfortunately, nobody really wants to be my girlfriend right now, and I have no really good friends that I would want to live with. I guess I should try to find somebody... get out there and whatnot. It's beyond frustrating that with one simple turn of an event, I could be all settled, and happy, and everything would seem so much better. But, it hasn't happened yet, so there's no indication that it ever will, so I guess I'll just have to keep in motion. I've been standing still for awhile now, so now that I'm moving, I better keep moving.

I'm really not a bad person. I'm not extremely ugly, I don't smell too bad most of the time, I like to think I can be funny, and I'm wonderful to cuddle with and be around. I guess I just have to find somebody that wants that. And as for friends, I think this whole area is just not my speed. I feel terrible about myself that I haven't been able to make things work for me around here. Maybe I need a new spot, new people. Somebody is bound to love me back elsewhere in this country/world. And the majority of people I meet are pretty cool, so making friends shouldn't be hard (the people at my work are pretty cool, I guess they'll be my new group of friends).

Ugh, I try to hard for nothing. I just want love. Still. Just like every day. Where is it?

my first day!

Today was my first day as a sales associate, and guess what... I SOLD MY FIRST PHONE!

Well, it really isn't all that exciting or impressive, as I'm setting goals for myself to do such a thing multiple times every day that I work. But, having never had to do it on my own, for myself, I am very pleased. It was a nice sense of accomplishment. It's quite wonderful to get such a jolt out of everyday activities. And it was also extremely nice to feel good about myself for a change.

Nothing else is really going on. Still single, still lonely, but still in a fairly upbeat mood, given the circumstances. Katie moved into her apartment in Northern Liberties today, so I think I'm going to head over and check it out. I just got out of work about a half hour ago, came home, shoveled a bit to make it easier to get in and out of my driveway, and then came up here to change (and apparently update my blog a bit).

If I get home at a decent time, I'll probably make another post, as I don't really have much else better to do. I have off tomorrow, and I can already tell that I won't be able to sleep until probably much later. I am very tired, so that somewhat annoys me, that whole feeling of knowing that I won't be able to doze off easily. However, I do not have to work tomorrow, so staying up late means sleeping in a bit later, which I enjoy doing on my days off. There's nothing worse than waking up at like 9:00AM and having absolutely nothing to do for the entire duration of the day.

Well, off to see the apartment! If anybody wants to spend some time with me, let me know. I need some love! :(

Adieu!