Awake yet again.

I have been having a significantly difficult time sleeping lately. I have so much on my mind. My world is finally coming together a bit, yet it feels like it's all falling apart. I'm just scared to death of the thought that I've been laboring under a misapprehension. I had hoped that once I got my shit together, maybe I stood a chance at the ultimate goal. I'm even starting to think that I was never an option, more like a side project.

I read the quote, "Never allow someone to be your priority while you are just their option." I wish I could live by those words. But I can't. I feel like a fucking idiot, begging for attention. But the sad part is, that really is all that I'm looking for. I'm looking for attention, affection, company, and just basically love. I don't want anything from the person I love, just love. I don't want anybody cooking for me, I don't want anybody cleaning for me, running errand for me, or anything like that. All that I want is somebody to hold every night, somebody to watch TV with, somebody so I can not be so lonely. I'm not good by myself... never really have been. Obviously I've been making it work for the majority of this past year (at least since about summer, when people got too busy, and then I moved to NY for a bit). I'm sick and tired of being alone.

I'm so ashamed to feel so needy, but is that really needy? It's only being in need of affection. I don't need it every minute of every day, but maybe a couple minutes each day wouldn't be bad. I wish I could love somebody who wanted to see me. I don't care how early I have to wake up, what I did all day, if I worked 15 hours, I don't want to go to sleep without seeing that person. That's just the way I am, and the way most of my prior relationships and such worked out. My friends tell me the same thing, leading me to think that I am indeed out of luck in my current situation.

But, like I said, she's the one. I hate to say "the one", but I don't know how else to put it. My heart will never race and my mind will never lose control the way it does when I'm around her.

I'm sorry, this is ridiculous to keep going on about this. But this is what keeps me up at night. This is the reason why people ask me what's bothering me, because I apparently wear my heart on my sleeve. This is why it takes so much more energy to smile. I'm alive, I'm well, but I'm heartbroken. And I heard on the movie I watched today, "You can die from a broken heart, it almost happened to me." I think that's probably about where I'm at. Holding on to life. I've got a solid grip, but without her company, life is fine and all, but it certainly doesn't shimmer as wondrously as I remembered it to.

Work in a few hours, I guess it's time to try and close my eyes yet again. I'll probably dream about her, as has been happening. At least in my dreams I get to see her.. Goodnight.