It just frustrates me to no end, how I was so faithful to something that never existed. I mean, it was everything to me, but not the other way around. I waited to patiently, with hopes of at least something, and the whole time I was under the impression that it was a possibility. I guess it never really was. So I just look like a fucking asshole.
I can't even put into words the anger and frustration that I'm feeling right now. I can't relax, I can't think, I can't do anything. I just sit here, and just wish for a swift death. It's misery. I'm all too familiar with it. I'm just SO FUCKING MAD. Why the fuck did I have to waste all that time. Its all back to the goals thing. I held on so hard, even when I was basically being ignored for pretty decent time spans. But no, I stayed on the course, because I was hopeful for a happy ending. The thing is, I'm a fucking idiot. I should have picked up on all the signs that I had no fucking shot in hell at making anything work. I mean, I guess I knew it the whole time. Everybody else was telling me that it was obvious that I was somewhat insignificant in the equation. I told them they didn't understand the situation. I guess I was just saying that for myself.
I'm glad I haven't really had any suicidal thoughts, besides for a bit earlier. Katie talked to me and calmed me down earlier. But the only reason I'm not thinking like that is because I refuse to miss this 3D party for New Years. If things are still as shitty afterwards, I have no problem with it. But, I certainly want to see this party, should be amazing. A good way to go out.
I can't take care of myself, I'm a fucking infant. Who wants such damaged goods? Nobody. Plus, with me gone, nobody will have to worry how I'll fuck up next! That's a positive!
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