Yeah... about that...

So, about those past few posts... I completely didn't mean anything I said. Actually, I don't remember much of what I said, but I don't feel like looking at it. Suffice it to say, I'm in a much better place at the moment.

First of all, I love my job. At first I wasn't too sure, but a couple days in, I've found something that I actually enjoy doing. I sell a product that I use and enjoy, and I get to sell it all day. It's a really good fit for me. Definitely hoping this lasts for a bit, at least until I get out of school.

Second, I got my license reinstated yesterday. This was the biggest hurdle in my way, and all the sudden it finally seemed to work out. I can't believe it at the moment, to be quite honest. I just found out an hour or so ago.

Third, I have some new friends (and old) that are awesome, and keeping me extremely upbeat. Especially a couple from work, which is nice. That's another great thing, that I like who I work with for the most part.

Well, I just wanted to apologize for my uber-meltdown. Everything is actually wonderful... and I know for a fact I haven't been able to say that for a few years. So today, today is a beautiful day. There's nothing that can bring me down, I'm going nowhere but up!

i'm a bijt beyond inebriated right now. i just wantd to say that everyhting is wonderful. i had a great day at work, am working again in king of prussia on friday, but i have tomorrow off. just got home, played pool and got silly all night after work. it would seem that i do indeeed have friends. tonights was wonderful. :)

soon, i'll just be a memory. the eternal rest.

need to make it to new years eve.

It just frustrates me to no end, how I was so faithful to something that never existed. I mean, it was everything to me, but not the other way around. I waited to patiently, with hopes of at least something, and the whole time I was under the impression that it was a possibility. I guess it never really was. So I just look like a fucking asshole.

I can't even put into words the anger and frustration that I'm feeling right now. I can't relax, I can't think, I can't do anything. I just sit here, and just wish for a swift death. It's misery. I'm all too familiar with it. I'm just SO FUCKING MAD. Why the fuck did I have to waste all that time. Its all back to the goals thing. I held on so hard, even when I was basically being ignored for pretty decent time spans. But no, I stayed on the course, because I was hopeful for a happy ending. The thing is, I'm a fucking idiot. I should have picked up on all the signs that I had no fucking shot in hell at making anything work. I mean, I guess I knew it the whole time. Everybody else was telling me that it was obvious that I was somewhat insignificant in the equation. I told them they didn't understand the situation. I guess I was just saying that for myself.

I'm glad I haven't really had any suicidal thoughts, besides for a bit earlier. Katie talked to me and calmed me down earlier. But the only reason I'm not thinking like that is because I refuse to miss this 3D party for New Years. If things are still as shitty afterwards, I have no problem with it. But, I certainly want to see this party, should be amazing. A good way to go out.

I can't take care of myself, I'm a fucking infant. Who wants such damaged goods? Nobody. Plus, with me gone, nobody will have to worry how I'll fuck up next! That's a positive!

back to basics.

Be prepared for the ultimate letdown, I'm totally going to have the most epic fall back into the dark EVER!

In other news, work is great, but everything else blows. Nothing substance abuse can't change. See everybody in hell.

new years.

I finally have something to cheer me up. I will most likely be happy for quite some time. Joey, Anthony and I have decided to go to Pacha for New Years Eve this year. They are hosting the first ever 3D New Years party. Check it out here. I'm beyond excited for this. Now we're just trying to get a few more people together. I can't even explain this. Joey and I both decided that this would be the start of a brand new life, and obviously a brand new years. 2011 will be our year, without a doubt.

Look out mother fuckers.

been a bit busy.

So, I was just kinda laying around, and I look up at my bookmarks, see "Blogger" up there, and immediately began to feel guilty. I resisted an update for the longest time, but I suppose one is due.

I recently started my new job for Executive Cellular, selling T-Mobile. I like it, it's just really long days. I'm talking 8am until 11pm. Even though it's only four days a week, that's still quite a bit of working. I was getting used to four or five hour days, so this is quite a shock to the system. Whatever though, I'm making it work. I work with some interesting people for the most part.

As for everything else? Well, there's not much going on. If I'm being honest, I've just been a bit lonely. I figured living back in the area would promote more togetherness with friends and such, but it has certainly failed to do so. Today was a good day, though. I was with Joey basically all day, went out and did some stuff. Actually, I just got a call from his daughter telling me to "come over", so I will be doing that momentarily.

So, all things accounted for, things are looking a bit up. Besides a serious lack of love and companionship/friendship going on, at least I'm making things happen. I should also be getting my license back in the near future. As soon as that happens, I can start living again. I can finally start going out at night and just getting into random adventures. Maybe I'll find whatever I'm looking for eventually. But until then, I'll just keep on working, and maybe my personal life will stop being so empty.

There's so much going through my head, but it's pointless to go into it all. This whole entry seemed a bit vague, maybe I'll actually make a meaningful post later. At this point, though, I'm really worried that I'm going to be alone for quite some time. I viewed myself living under much different circumstances by now. But, as I like to point out, when you set yourself up for something, all that leaves room for is failure. If you make it, that's all good and well, but if you make it without setting it as a goal, it's the same satisfaction. You are getting what you want, regardless. It's just difficult for me to set goals for myself in any way. Besides obviously getting my license back and stuff that's simple, I avoid it. I've become well aware of the disappointment that comes with setting up a life plan. I'm nowhere near anything that I planned out.

All I was looking for was:
1) Somebody to spend life with
2) A job that didn't suck, that I could at least somewhat enjoy

And, in summation, to be satisfied with the quality of my life. It's taken a bit of time, but I'm hoping I am at a decent place for the fulfillment of #2. I was more concerned with #1 to be frank, but I'm coming to the realization that I'll be back at square one as far as that is concerned very soon.

One more thing, I'm completely starved for affection, if that hasn't been made clear by this. I just want some nice, maybe rough, love making to take place in the near future. I'm just about losing my mind.

Off to see the little munchkin, going over to Joeys. Adieu.

me.

i'm alone and i'm miserable. what a familiar feeling. gotta love it.

sexual healing

I'm certainly in desperate need for some sexual healing. It's been way too fucking long. I'm just about gone batshit by now. I've been doing alright about dealing with being alone, but enough is certainly enough.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Well, not really anyway. But I'm falling asleep, and I'm kind of sad, so I'm just gonna call it a night. I am gonna try to update more regularly, I've just been in an awful mood. No excuses, I know I know.

Oh, and I did discover 8tracks.com. I'm a bit late, I'm realizing, but it's still cool to check it out either way.