it's on channel 27

feel free to tune in ot the destruction of mike! hahaha i'm so drunk kwtf. why is my life isn fucking shambles! why cant i sjut be with the person that i love the most. why is that not an opdtin for me! when i'm here, i just want to be with her so bad and mti makes me really fuypset when i dont get to see her. and i want to b ewanted! why ma i so undesirbale. but alicia told me that i'll be fine! i'll find somebody!so did all the other girls tonight. but why dont i feel like that s really going to happne! if i let go what i haev now, maybe i'll gbe alone forever. maybe i'ma supposed to ber alone forever.that's just not fucking FAIR !A WHATHTEFUCK. i have dsomebody that i want so bad. but she doesnt mneed me like i need her. is that what love is? i think tis supposed to be when you like... neeeed somebodhy. it's not just like, oh i love you. it's like, i need you in my life and i'll be dgoddamned not to have you. like, when you are done working for the day, or when ur just like sitting around, you want to be with that person. its nto like a last resortt sort of thing. it's not like... okay im done doing important shit now i guess i'll go seethat person. its like... okay ive done whatever i was doing, i really want to see them! that's how i picture it. but it doesn't fucking matter. i'll never eb a priority to anybyod. i'll always be background noise, like jazz. lahahaah. omg. i just dont want to go to new york tomorrow. i think i might now. i might just go liev somewhere else. i think samy is home. she wants to hang out. maybe autumn too. idk. i just cant deal witht this bullshit anymore.

i just want to be LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK. can't somebody just be mine.s :(

fuck

i have to do this, but i don't want to do this. but what the fuck else am i supposed to do? i'm going crazy all the time. i haven't been so insecure in my entire life. i want her, but i can't have her. isn't that just the story of my life. i've never more wanted to just end it all. the things that make me happy are things that are unattainable. but everybody around me has them. but for some reason, i just can't.

fuck. just... fuck.

i'm getting there, but it's still hard

So, I've actually been in quite the dandy emotional state lately. I've been accepting where I'm at currently, and while I'm not happy with it, I'm very hopeful that things will change for the better, and 2011 will be the year of my comeback! I'll finally (hopefully) have a life that doesn't completely blow. Of course, this may not work out as well as I'm hoping it will, but with patience and determination, I will certainly find my way.

One thing is bothering me, however. I want somebody to share my life with, and that's not happening in quite the same manner that I would prefer. I want to be with somebody, to live with somebody, and to love them. I don't want to be alone, trying to make things better all by myself. I could definitely use a companion, a confidante, if you will. I want to be able to wake up next to somebody, and feel love. This is a fairly useless post, but its just been ripping me apart inside, I just needed to get it off my chest.

I went to see "Faster" with Evan this evening. It was awesome to see him. I also got to see Autumn, and that was quite the treat, too. I hadn't seen her for about a year, and it was nice to catch up. I'm most likely joining Evan and Michelle for dinner tomorrow, so hopefully that will be nice, as well. As for tomorrow night, Autumn and I might go to Webster Hall to have some fun. I just got us both on the guest list. I met up with Gina earlier today, and I got to see a special somebody as well (I hate being vague about this person, but I'm in an odd situation).

Well, I guess I'm going to attempt the whole sleep nonsense. Hopefully I can sleep in really late, so I have less hours of boredom to cope with once I wake up. Wish me luck, babies!

How excited am I? Quite.

Well, it would appear that I failed to post anything yesterday. It was a busy day, and I find myself still tired. However, I have nothing interesting to fill my time with, so I took to the blogosphere.

Yesterday, my grandmother got a dog! She's adorable, a mix, but mostly beagle. She named her Molly, and she's darling. She likes to lay on beds, she's very affectionate, and extremely cute. Here is a picture:

I feel that my grandmother is much happier, now that she has a canine companion again. I hope so, anyways. Unfortunately, it doesn't ail everything. She got ridiculously pissy at me about something really stupid. She went outside to do something, and I was watching South Park on my laptop, with my headphones on. She came back inside (understand, I didn't know she was outside), and then said "Well, I finished everything out there". I told her I didn't know she had went outside, and she obviously never asked for my assistance. However, she told me I was oblivious to the world, or something, and that there's no way I couldn't have heard her. Whatever, I just can't wait until I'm fucking out of here tomorrow. I'm planning on catching the train at 12:07. I would catch an earlier one, but we usually don't leave the house until about ten, and the train before the noon one is at 9:50 something. Judging by her mood, I'm not pushing my luck and asking if she would bring me then.

I just hate being in this situation. I have done nothing wrong, I have been nothing but a good person while I'm up here. I help out with whatever needs to be done, and yet I still get this thrown at me. I don't need that kind of shit. I just don't. I really need to figure out another arrangement. This just isn't going to fly. And I don't know if you've noticed, but I feel like I've been a bit less negative recently. I am in a much better emotional state, I don't find myself getting depressed and upset nightly anymore. And even right now, I'm not really depressed, but more angry and frustrated. I just need to find somewhere more suitable for me to live. I wish I had any options, but obviously I don't, or I wouldn't be here. I need to find a job while I'm home, and then hopefully I can stay at home. Anything is better than being trapped here.

I had a pretty nice day at work today. I ate Chinese food. I helped a few people. I just was in a pretty damn sweet mood today. It helped that the weather was really nice, and actually still is. I was under the impression that it was supposed to rain today, but I guess maybe that will happen later on tonight instead.

Nothing good to talk about. Well, maybe there is, but I'm a bit anxious at the moment, and am going to maybe take a short walk. I'll most likely be posting later tonight, or perhaps tomorrow on the train, thanks to my MiFi. That way, the train will be much more interesting, too! I can't wait to try this thing out in a place other than here.

killing time, until it's good and dead.

I would love to spend the majority of my time numbing my mind on tumblr, or youtube, or whatever, but the internet connection I have makes it a somewhat painstaking process. So, while I still manage to partake in the wonderful offerings of the internet, it frustrates me still. Which is no good, because I'm quite sufficiently frustrated with just about everything else.

However, there is a shred of good news. Tomorrow, we are going to go see a dog. She's a beagle and something mix, and I've been told she's lovely. I'm actually quite excited. I've never had a dog. My grandmother has, of course, as she just lost hers a little over a month ago. But, her dog wasn't really a big part of my life, as I wasn't up here very frequently. But, being here now, I am very excited at the prospect of a canine companion.

I'm still listening to Radiohead, still trying to understand why they are so beloved. I'm trying my best not to skip through, but I think I'm just going to give up. Maybe if I was fucked up on something I would find the album much more interesting? But then again, I still don't know if that would be the case. I'm very open to all types of music, but this just doesn't hit the spot for me. I guess I'll just be an outsider in this regard, because I know how highly they are praised. But, Karma Police is playing now, and I can tolerate that song, not that it's the perfect song that so many swear by.

I wish I had the same enthusiasm that I felt last night. I was so torn between a variety of time killing procedures, I wasn't quite sure how to manage my time. Now, less than twenty-four hours later, I find myself lost, having no desire to really do anything, besides maybe smoke some fine green and sleep for ages. I constantly have the desire to sleep, I just wish I was able to. I wish I could come home from work/church/whatever activity, and just sleep until the next appointment came along. Tomorrow should be at least a little bit better. Work, see the dog (hopefully get the dog, which would be wonderful), maybe look for a new car, and who knows what else. I'm just annoyed with always going through the day being anxious for another day, a day that's a bit less shitty than the current one.

I'm seeing more and more Christmas lights go up, which is nice. Oh, and I forgot to mention, my uncle (the one I work for) came to the contemporary church service tonight! I was standing up, and somebody grabbed my side. I was immediately like, "what the hell is going on?" because I don't know anybody there well enough for them to touch me, and when I turned, I was amazed to see my uncle. It was a nice surprise, and afterwards he told us about the dog. So, something interesting happened today. I also went to a viewing for one of my grandfather's old friends. I didn't know anybody there, and it was a bit awkward, but luckily I think my grandmother felt the same way, and we didn't stay more than a minute or so.

On another note, I'm reforming myself a bit. It's not going to be easy, or a smooth transition, or anything like that. But, I always felt that nothing is any good if you don't have somebody to share it with. I'm reforming this view, and I'm gonna try to make things alright on my own. I don't know where this came from, but I guess I'm just sick of letdowns, of relying on anybody but myself. Unfortunately, the state that I'm in right now doesn't allow me to rely on myself for much of anything, but I hope to change that soon.

I have a feeling that maybe I'll think of something else to write about a bit later, but I'm not sure. I thought I had a good idea earlier, but that was lost by the time I started typing. Have a lovely evening.

Just imagine...

I'm cursed with a very mathematical brain. I constantly find myself solving problems in my head. This is readily apparent when I'm at work, or maybe somewhere that I don't wish to be. If I'm supposed to be at work for 6 hours, and I've already worked for 2, I tell myself that I only have to be there for twice the amount of time that I've already served. I was wondering if anybody else makes these kind of rationalizations in their head. My problems aren't always so simple to solve, I usually perform more complicated procedures in my head, but this was merely an example.

I had planned on making a somewhat decent entry, but I think I'll save that for later tonight, when I have absolutely nothing better to do. As for now, I'll be off to church in about 25 minutes. Not looking forward to it, but I don't want to piss my grandmom off, I seemed to have accomplished that yesterday by taking a nap. I didn't realize that it was such a crime, but apparently it's inexcusable. If I "went to bed on time", I wouldn't have the need for such a barbaric ritual. Well, sorry that I'm sleeping on a terrible mattress, and I go to bed miserable each and every night, which doesn't help put me to sleep. A mind at ease is much more easily rested. I'm sticking by that 'til the end.

I could really go for intense inebriation right about now. I could also go for any and all types of companionship. Anybody bored? I'll give you directions, it's a lovely drive. I love posing this question, because I'm fully aware that there will never be a response, so I get a kick out of it. Gotta enjoy the little things, am I right?

Well, I'm going to be coming home sometime between Tuesday night and Thursday. To be honest, I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later. I'm hoping to see Evan while he's home, and I'll be a bit perturbed if I'm unable to make that happen. Maybe then I can get my proper inebriation rolling, that would be splendid.

I'm listening to Radiohead right now, and it's all well and good, but I really don't see why they are one of the highest rated bands on this site I was on. I figured I'd give it a shot, but I listen to the first song, which isn't bad, and then I usually opt for something else on the iPod. I guess it would be more meaningful had I grown up with their music, but I didn't. I also downloaded the American Football album, which I did sort of grow up with. Their song "Never Meant" is one of the best songs that have ever graced my ears. I posted it on my Tumblr if you were curious.

I suppose that I'll be off soon, so I'll part for now. Enjoy your lives while you can, because you never know, maybe you will be in my situation one day. However, I don't wish such misfortune on anybody. Not even enemies.

Late Night Sadness

Just listening to music before I try to get some sleep. Listening to none other than Whitney Houston, but it really stuck tonight:

Can't you see the hurt in me? I feel so all alone...
I wanna run to you...

What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams... without someone to share it with? Tell me what does it mean?

Really though, what's the point of anything without somebody to share it with? I guess that's what I've been feeling lately. I'm glad somebody understands my point of view.

If you only knew how much I want to run to you... :(

Catch-22

I'm perplexed by the idea of catch-22s. I came upon this topic during a phone conversation with my mother not even an hour ago. She told me that I could be at home if I could get a job in the area, to which I responded that I could only get a job by being home to look for one. I tried to explain to her that it was a bit of a catch-22. Now, I'm aware that this isn't really an entirely accurate assessment, but it's somewhat close. Upon using this terminology, I thought it appropriate to do a bit of research on it. I'm not really going to go into the whole idea of a catch-22, but I found one thing that's fairly interesting, although I guess I understood it subconsciously, I just didn't connect the dots.

On Wikipedia:
Americans in both the living room and the boardroom are growing more fearful about the economy, creating a Catch-22 for the job market: Shoppers won't spend until they feel more secure (as in, being employed), and businesses won't hire until people start spending.

I also enjoyed the logical breakdown of the topic:


I don't really have any revolutionary theories or rhetoric to guide this conversation along any further, but I just find the phrase and meaning to be rather intriguing.

A little over an hour ago, I was cursing my life because I was bored to tears, and couldn't find anything to alleviate my boredom. This isn't to say that I didn't have things to substitute for actual fun. I have plenty of movies I can watch, and I could have just browsed the internet for hours, like I usually do. However, none of this seemed like it would take the sting of solitary boredom away. It didn't help that I didn't even get to talk to a certain somebody at all tonight. I've just been quite down, but that's nothing new.

I was hoping to accomplish something when I placed that call to my mother. On the plus side, it doesn't seem like she will mind me being at home from Thanksgiving until Monday (which I had not even considered as a possibility). I had called to ask about coming home maybe Tuesday or Wednesday and then coming back if she had planned to come for Thanksgiving anyway. I'm not exactly sure how the details will work out, but I really want to see my friend, Evan. I haven't seen him in a while, and it would be wonderful to get to see him, have a few drinks or whatnot.

But back to my boredom kick. I found myself in dire straits in regards to entertainment about two hours ago. Now, I didn't realize how late it was, and I'm actually having to decide how I want to spend my time. It's funny how that works. I began reading a book that I bought awhile ago, but only got a fair way into. Now, I find myself wanting to read this book in its entirety, but I know that the night will not allow this, nor my sub-par reading speed. So, I might read a little bit more of "American Fuji", by Sara Backer, or I might watch the newest Boardwalk Empire, before the new one tomorrow. Either way, I have enough to do now, so I'll bring this to a close. I actually already have something to potentially write about tomorrow, but I am trying to take things one day at a time at this moment. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here, in about thirty minutes.

Be good, be peaceful, be happy, and love somebody. If you have nobody to love, feel free to love me. I need all the love that I can get.

At home for the night!

I pictured tonight going a bit differently, but I'm happy nonetheless. I always set expectations for just about every aspect of my life, and this usually leaves me with nothing but disappointment. There was certainly room for improvement, as far as tonight went, but right now, I'm happy.

I got to see the most beautiful girl in the entire world tonight. She came and picked me up from the train station, and then was actually able to spend a somewhat decent about of time with me. This is all that I've wanted for so long. I hate being away from her, and the only reason I really came home was to get to spend that marginal amount of time with her. So, I suppose mission accomplished. Yes, I could have spent the entire duration of my stay with her, but then again, I could spend my whole life with this girl, and it would still never be enough. When I see her, all of my troubles go away, and nothing else matters but this amazing feeling of contentment and love.

I don't want to go too crazy, as I'm starting to get a little tired, and I'm about to Skype a friend, but I just wanted to note how amazing of a person she is. She's dedicated, devoted, caring, beautiful, witty, smart, compassionate, everything wonderful that a person could possibly be. She doesn't view herself in nearly the same light as I do, but I hope that through my actions some day I can change that.

I'm so deeply in love, I don't know what to do with myself. Every second that passes with her absent from my side, I view as a wasted moment in time. I only want to be with her. If I can have her, everything else will fall into place. With her, the sky is the limit. I want to shout on tops of mountains and declare my undying love for her. I wish I could... but the situation is a bit shitty. I want to do everything with her, and have pictures with her that I can look at when I'm feeling down. I want so many things, and I wish I could truly be with her in every sense of the word. I'm doing my best with this whole patience phenomenon, but I'm only so good at it.

Well.... I don't really know where I was going with this post. I'm just so desperately in love with the most amazing girl in the whole world. I don't know what all to say beyond that. I mean, I certainly could talk about this forever, but it isn't going to really make much of a difference. I'm off to Skype now, get some social interaction for the day. I guess I could note what I'm going to do tomorrow.

I'm planning on stopping by the advisors at Drexel and trying to figure out if I can get a degree with the credits that I've already accumulated. I switched majors a few years ago, and I know that a hefty amount of said credits were sort of lost in the wind, as they didn't apply to my new major (Finance). I want to see if there is any major in which I could apply all my credits, and maybe even graduate without having to take any more courses. If that doesn't work, I want to figure out the least amount of classes that I would have to take to at least get some sort of degree. I know I'm only about nine months out from having my Finance degree, but I don't really have $30,000 to take all of those classes at the moment. Plus, I'd much rather not have to take that many classes, or hopefully any at all.

Also, I'm going to Best Buy in the morning, going to pick up the Virgin Mobile Mifi thingy. With the Mifi, I will be able to use my laptop on the internet while I'm up in New York, as well as connect my phone to it, so I can finally use my cell phone while I'm at my grandmother's house. After all of this, my father is going to drop me off at Trenton for my trek back to NY. I'm hoping that I can hang out with Danny, if he can pick me up in Newark, and then have him drive me back up to my grandmother's. I don't really feel like taking a train the entire way, plus I don't want to be back at such an early time. I want as much time away from that solitary environment as humanly possible. I really wish somebody, anybody, would come visit me while I'm up there. I get so fucking lonely, it's quite a dirty shame.

So, if anybody wants to be my BFF and come see me, please be my guest. There's some stuff to do up here, I just don't have a proper means of transportation to really enjoy myself even in the least bit. Luckily, I downloaded the entire new season of South Park, got all my most recent episodes of Weeds, Boardwalk Empire, and Dexter, and am downloading a few movies as well. Hopefully all of this will be able to entertain my wandering mind for a significant amount of time.

Wish me luck, homies!

frustration settles in...

ARGHHHH! What the fuck am I going to do tomorrow? I still haven't confirmed any plans, but I know one thing for certain, and that would be that I need a bit of a break from this. I am aware that I have only been here since Monday, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. I barely feel like I even went home. Besides hanging out with Amy for the better part of one day, and a bit of another day, I didn't do anything worthwhile socially. I'm not a fucking home body. That style of living has been forced upon me due to life being shit at the moment. However, I am extremely positive, I really am. I've had a great improvement in my attitude. I know I still ramble on here and sound all shitty and depressed, and I may be, but I'm certainly in a much better spot than I was about a month or so ago. Hmmm, looks like I have something to write about, other than just meaningless details of my day!

So, as I said, I'm sitting in a much better place right now. I can now picture myself happy, living in a house, with a family (hopefully). Even if I end up being alone, at least I know that I'll be much happier than I have been. I've spent the past couple years just going about everything the wrong way, ignoring things, figuring that they will work themselves out. Unfortunately, I've learned (the very hard way) that the world doesn't work like this. I have a motivation now to make things better. I loved life for a bit, I had everything I wanted, except I still haven't really had much of a real relationship, you know, the kind where you wake up next to somebody you love. Yep, none of that for me, I've had a bit of an absence in that department. But, I have loved, and am completely capable of loving.

I know I'm just being hard on myself when I get down, but in some respect, I should be. I wasn't supposed to end up where I am now. I would have never expected to be in this situation in a million years. I pictured myself dead much before this. I also know that death would be the simplest solution, yet it would certainly be the most selfish act I could commit. I suppose I can tough out these trying times, although I find it silly that by staying alive, I'm only doing so as to not hurt anybody else. I don't feel that living for other people is the healthiest way to live, I mean, it's fine, but you have to want things for yourself. And that's what I've been trying to grasp as of late.

I'm trying to decide what it is that I want for myself. I feel like my desires are fairly basic. Somebody to love, a job, and a roof over my head. I don't find these desires to be abstract, I'm not searching for myself, but I'm searching for the right combination of everything, that's for sure. Everybody has dreams, but I have toned mine down significantly. I know longer want to be some DJ at a club, adored by fans, or some incredibly high paid Wall Street banker. No, I just want a comfortable living with somebody who means the world to me. I don't consider that selling myself short, either. I think that with age, the world just gets much less magical, and eventually 98% of everybody will have to settle. This isn't so much settling, but more the art of being realistic.

However, as everything stands, I'm in a bit of a bind. I have a job, yes, but only up here in New York. This occupation requires me to reside with my grandmother, as I have no other reasonable option. This means that, yes, I have a roof over my head, and yes, I have a job, but I'm not being paid, nor am I with any of my friends or potential significant other. I figured by now, I'd be well on my way to getting engaged, if not already married. But there it goes again. Life gets in the way, and you just have to make adjustments as you go along. Given that I'm nowhere near where I want to be, I'm trying to seek out a medium.

This is where everything gets interesting. I'm not looking to reshape my life right now. I know that I'm not going to just make everything better, get a job, get a place with a girl, or any of that, so I'm seeking a middle ground. I am working on stepping stones, I suppose. My problem is that this seems that these steps are all rather unfavorable. Then I get to thinking, it's entirely feasible to just skip these stones, and go for land. This is when I begin to feel the frustration set in, and I get mad at myself. Unfortunately, I don't handle my anger very well, and I start feeling like I've been left to drown. I think back to how much I used to try to do, and I just feel neglected. I get angry when I realize that I have nobody that I could even stay with, even if it were only for a week. I can't believe that I've gotten to such a point, it just flabbergasts me (yes, I used that word).

So, here I am, sitting all alone up in New York, wishing for something, anything really, to go my way for once. But by this time, I'm so disillusioned by everything this world has to offer, that I know for a fact that nothing really will come along. What happened to the world, was it always so hard? I like to believe that it wasn't at some point, but what the hell do I know? I obviously don't know much, and that's why I'm a 24 year old living with his grandma because he has no friends to stay with nor any other means of support. Family wants him out, friends are gone, or just can't be bothered, and I'm just shipped away as an experiment to see how much "better" I can become. How can one measure if I'm doing any "better" if I'm in a controlled setting? Answer, it can't be done. This also bugs me, because I am very logical, and understand this concept, yet nobody else seems to.

I know that this post doesn't make it sound like I'm in a better state of mind, but I really am. I know that things have the potential to be worked out. I figure that once I figure out my whole license issue, my life will improve about 300%. I wish I had some means of transportation. I think back to all of my friends who couldn't drive, I'd leave work to drive them somewhere, be out for four hours, never ask for gas money, etc. Where is karma? I would love anything positive to come back to me, and hopefully sooner rather than later.

Basically, I just really want to come home. I want to be up here, but not under these conditions. I need to be able to have some semblance of a normal life. Killing eight hours a day on the internet is beyond pathetic, especially when I can't even use it to download anything interesting (though I did download some Sigur Ros tonight, shhhh). I'm just looking for a break, any break. I haven't caught one in a few years, and it would be nice for something good to happen, and then maybe I can have some real faith in life.

Quick Hump Day Post

Long ass day, today, indeed. Woke up around 8, just bullshitted for about two hours, then was off to work. I did a fair amount of stuff at work, nothing too crazy, but I was tired as all hell. When I finally got done around 3, we had to take some flower deliveries to a few places. Naturally, I fell asleep in the car, and only woke up for the last one, where we visited one of my grandmother's friends. We stayed there for a bit, and then we were off to Shop Rite. Didn't spend much more than 10 minutes in there, either. However, by then it was already 5:00PM.

So, now I'm finally back at the house, just trying to unwind. The nice nap in the car gave me the little bit of energy I might have needed to tough out the night. While I was at work, I was able to arrange to have off Friday, so I could theoretically come home tomorrow by taking the 2:04 train out of Campbell Hall. This is all dandy, but it is subject to maternal approval, which I will be seeking out shortly. I've only been up here since Monday, but I didn't get to do what I wanted to do this past weekend, so hopefully all will be fine. If not, there's a decent chance that I'll just go anyway. I'm not staying up here until Thanksgiving, that's more than a week away. I don't think my mind can handle that. But, if I am to come home tomorrow, I don't mind going back either Friday or, at latest, Saturday morning. I guess I'll just have to work out the details with my mother, which is somewhat ridiculous given the fact that I'm 24 years old. My life is shit, wouldn't you agree?

Anyway, the wind last night and today was absolutely ridiculous. I woke up at one point and I wasn't sure if the windows would even hold up. It was absolutely insane. I guess there were branches and such down this morning, and our neighbors didn't even have power. Everything seems back to normal now, however, so that's a good thing.

More later, not much to say at the moment. Just feeling very lonely. I could certainly use some love. Love one another, everybody!

Fucking hump day..

So, I was maintaining a fairly positive attitude this morning, until I started getting blamed for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me at all. I'm outside, enjoying my morning cigarette, when I hear yelling coming from inside the house. I put down my stick of death, and wander into the house. I come in to yelling, "I don't know how to get into my Webkinz, there's no log in button, I think you are doing that just to mess with me". Now, I understand that my grandmother doesn't know how to use computers, but the accusation that I would do anything to "mess with her" just hit my buttons in the worst way.

I showed her how to scroll down (the log in button is on the buttom of the screen, just out of view). I showed her how she could click the bar on the right side of the screen, scroll the mouse wheel, or simply hit the down key to show the log in. So, I took care of that.

But, really, what the fuck would my business be "messing" with her? It just solidified my feeling of being some sort of good-for-nothing fucker, always out to just fuck people over and "mess" with them. I don't need this shit, I really don't. I'm one bad night away from just offing myself in the first place, this is the last thing I fucking need.

I've decided that I should come home for a day or two tomorrow after work. I'm going to work out the details with my uncle. I was thinking that waiting until Friday would be a better idea, but I don't really feel like being here all that long. While I'm down in PA, I'll try to find myself a job. I just don't know if I can deal with this shit up here. It's bad enough that I don't have cable, or high speed internet, or cell phone service, but now I'm just somebody out to mess with everything my grandmother holds dear (Webkinz, yes...). I've been doing my best to stay in a mood that reflects that life is worth all of the bullshit that you have to deal with, but this is certainly affecting my stance at the moment.

I'm aware that this whole situation isn't the worst scenario to ever play out in my life, but it's enough that in this semi-fragile state that I'm in, I want to get the fuck out, and fast. I would leave today, but that's a bit drastic. I'll try to hold on until tomorrow. I could really use a drink right about now. Honestly, I could go for just about anything, anything to get me out of this mood.

Seriously, fuck this shit.

Tumultuous Tuesdays!

I certainly had a pretty long day, which is somewhat compounded due to my exhaustion over yesterday. All that wandering around Woodbury Commons, well into the darkness of the night (even at 5:15 I was getting tired due to the sun setting), and then on top of it all, I wasn't even able to sleep until well past 1 AM. So, needless to say, it took me a little bit of time to fully wake up. And as a side note, I wasn't really doing anything interesting while I lay awake either, just feeling lonely and listening to Boyz II Men. That just kind of makes everything worse, but somewhat better, you feel like you aren't the only person that's suffering some sort of longing/heartbreak.

So, although it was quite the long day, it wasn't exactly eventful. Started the day with a mile and a half walk (our short walk) around 8:00 AM. I had just woken up, and thought that maybe my grandmother had already taken her walk, as she was conversing with my mother. Then, I came into the kitchen, and was immediately prompted as to whether I would like to go for a walk. I said yes, to be nice, and then I went, and got rained on.

After that, off to work. It was a somewhat slow day. I got Goshen Chinese Kitchen for lunch though, which is always nice. I got myself steamed and fried dumplings. They are beyond delicious. I meant to take a picture and maybe put it on here, but oh well, maybe next time. So, around 2 the delivery finally arrived (it would have normally been there first thing in the morning). Luckily, I stayed about an hour and a half late due to transportation issues, and was able to check everything in, and put a decent amount of the stuff away. Then, came back here (fell asleep for a bit on the ride back) and updated both of my Tumblrs, because I had nothing better to do, and now I'm doing this! What a miraculously wonderful life I do lead, wouldn't you agree?

Well now... it's a bit past seven, so I shouldn't have to kill too much more time. The tumblr postings took up a good hour and a half, and it didn't seem like that long at all. So, onward thinking... tomorrow is Wednesday. I really want to come home Thursday after work, miss work Friday, and be back on Saturday. I have to figure out how to make this work. Or maybe Friday after work would be okay, but then I have to deal with the busyness of Friday commuters, and I just don't feel like dealing with that bullshit. Thursdays are so much more easy going, and so much closer to the current day of the week.

I guess I've been pretty honest on here about most things, so I will be brutally honest about something else. I need to make love to somebody, right now. That Boyz II Men last night (and of course today, it's my new thing) really gets me in the mood to make some sweet sweet love. That's really all I wanted to say on that matter.

Still working on getting internet on my laptop up here. Once I do that, everything will be so much simpler. I can just lay in my bed the entire night and make useless posts to all of my blogs, and be under the warmth of my blanket! Plus, then I can upload whatever I want, and no worry about whatever the hell this rig is that we got right now from Verizon. I know it's not unlimited internet (I don't think they offer that wirelessly), so naturally I'm a bit worried. I really want to download my shows, but figure that doing so would most likely be way too much bandwidth.

Well, I very well may be posting some more stuff later, it's a pretty lazy day, and my grandmother is making multiple sweaters in the basement, so I have pretty much free reign over the internet (not that it's much of a power struggle to begin with).

Adieu, bitches.

Shopping, oh yes!

Today turned out quite alright, I should say. I didn't have to work, which normally wouldn't necessarily be a good thing, but I was a bit tired this morning. I had a special visit very early in the morning, and then had a long ride back up to Neverland (aka NY). So, I got to join my mother, aunt, and grandmom to Woodbury Commons!

I haven't been there since the disaster of a night/day that was Black Friday in 2007 I suppose (maybe 2008, I did a lot of drugs, things could happen in different years and it all seems the same... but I'm pretty sure 2007?). We left my house around midnight, and drove up to the Commons. Yea, it took 5 hours to drive 3 miles. It was absolutely terrible. Didn't park the car til 8:30, but we were on the highway about five miles away no later than 3 AM. I actually was standing in the same parking lot, it was kind of weird. I felt the need to text one of my companions on that ill-fated day and tell them that I was there.

So, I basically spent most of the four or so hours in stores that I had absolutely no interest in. This naturally happens when you are shopping with non-male type people. Lenox, a bunch of kitchen stores, the Disney Store, etc. But then before we left, I stopped in a few places as well! I ended up buying a pair a jeans and a shirt. I will post pics tomorrow, when I have the energy/motivation.

Well, I'm actually feeling way too antsy to type much longer, so I'll just say more in the morning most likely (or afternoon if that doesn't work out). I'm going to go try my fucking hardest to fall asleep. Anything to get me out of this nightmare called reality, lol.

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight... that's all I have to say :(.

I love you, whoever is reading this. Stay classy.

Lazy Sunday

I've decided to start a new tumblr to keep myself a little bit more busy. So, hopefully that will do the trick and kill some time for me.

I just found out that I'm not leaving for New York until tomorrow morning. This is nice, but also somewhat annoying. It would be nice if I had something to do for the rest of the night, but unforunately I don't. I'm just going to be sitting here, wishing that I was with a certain somebody, but that will just probably upset me a bit more. Oh well, you can't win them all, can you?

On a slightly more positive note, I am pretty sure that after I work for a couple hours tomorrow, I will be going to Woodbury Commons. This is nice, as I need some more "wintery" apparel. Hopefully I can get a couple thermals or something to keep me nice and warm in the blistery climate of upstate New York.

My thoughts are a bit all over the place at the moment. Today wasn't the worst day, but it's only six o'clock and I'm hoping for it to be over as soon as possible. I was invited to some Buddhist thing this evening with Amy, but I couldn't go because I wasn't sure of when I was leaving to go back up. However, it's just as well that I didn't go, because I got to see the most important person in my world, if only briefly. It put me at least a little bit more at ease, getting to see that special somebody. I really wish I could have spent some real time with her. I suppose I'll hold the details.

I'm relatively certain that I will be posting a bit more in the remaining hours of the day. I have literally nothing better to do, but I'm going to start working on my new Tumblr. Hopefully my brain will be distracted for long enough so that I don't lose my fucking marbles being here alone.

Oh, another good thing. Shutter Island just finished downloading. I'm going to download a shitload of stuff so I can keep busy in NY. I'm just worried about loading up my hard drive. I should have brought my externals home, and loaded them up, but I didn't feel like having all of that in my bag, which was already overloaded. So, I guess I'll just download as much as I can, and sort it all out once I'm back.

Stay sexy, love birds.

Crazy crazy.

Oh man, I had the wildest fucking dreams last night. I am currently very upset that I'm already awake, but whatever, I'll get over it. I want to talk about my dream(s)!

So, my first dream was extremely vivid. I was in a night club similar to the old Spirit in Chelsea in Manhattan. It was a decent crowd, I walked around a bit, but I wasn't having the best of times. I spent a lot of money in there, but then decided to go outside. I concluded to walk around a bit, and then I saw Danny standing outside of some packed place. I asked him "Who's spinning in there?" and he responds, "It's Armin dude! Let's go in!" I tell him that I don't have any money for it, but then we see that they aren't checking the stairs anymore.

We enter the door, which just leads to stairs, and run up the stairs. There, in an auditorium based sort of club, we see Armin spinning in the front right of the building. I remember the music playing in my dream, it really felt like it was actually happening. So, we are enjoying ourselves, but then I realize that I can't find my phone. Suddenly, after I've been looking for some time, Mike comes up to me with three different phones, including mine, but a different color. I tell him thanks (everybody at this club was dropping phones, there were phones all over the floor, I also had a Blackberry and an iPhone) but that I need my SIM card. So, we leave the club and go to a Best Buy, and I go to buy a SIM card, but once again realize I have no money, so I try to ask the guy to cut me a break. But, then I woke up.

I immediately was happy to be awake, because I had my phone right next to me (yes, I checked). But other than that, my dream was much preferable to waking up in my house alone, with nothing going on. I guess I realized this and actually managed to go back to sleep for a few minutes.

This dream, I don't really remember all that happened, but I know that it dealt with aliens. They were killing everybody, and I ended up in a supermarket, trying to use some kind of vending machine to get water. It all made perfect sense in the dream, and I remember the aliens lived in some impenetrable fortress where you could only get out through a crack in the side. It all seemed like a movie, it was really interesting.

But that's enough of that. I'm not in the worst of moods this morning, but I am hungry, anxious, and lonely. None of those are very appealing at the moment. I'm thinking about making a grilled cheese, but I'm really just not in the mood to do anything. However, a man must eat, so I suppose I'll go handle that shit right now. Please have a nice day, if not for you, for me? Gracias.

Back on Track

Mike I hope you read this, thanks buddy.

Well, I'm done my pity party for myself. I know the last few posts weren't exactly positive, and I apologize for subjecting all of you beautiful people to any of that. But really, I'm fucking fed up. I'm not sugar coating anything, I'm really just upset. But, tomorrow is another day, so fuck right now.

I like: "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." However, I don't consider today to be much of a gift. Unless it's that gift that you act like you're happy about, but secretly hope that you can return it and get something that isn't so shitty. That was today, the gift that I'd love to return or regift.

Talked to my good buddy, he made me laugh, so I've calmed down a little bit. But, he did offer me a piece of advice that I don't know about. I'm not going to just out it on here, but lets just say that it is good advice, but I don't think I'm prepared to take it. And I'd probably regret said decision, if I opted to carry on with it.

Well, it's 2:00 AM just about, and everything has fallen through it seems, naturally. Nothing that's supposed to be any good ever seems to come to fruition as of late. But, Amy texted me a bit concerned and offered to bring me out to lunch or something tomorrow during the day. It's really nice to feel like somebody gives a shit about you. She's always been there, even when we weren't seeing each other much. She's a good friend. Mike is, too, obviously. Without him I might still be googling the best ways to die. Not healthy, I'm aware, but I can't help this feeling, except to distract myself from it.

I am beginning to view life in a different way. I liked to say that it's a lot of adapting to one shit situation after the next, but I have a more enlightened (but perhaps slightly more cynical) view of everything at the moment. Life is just the art of finding the most appropriate distractions. If you don't have any distractions, then what the fuck are you doing? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love and all of the other cool things life may have to offer, but really it's all about finding the best way to keep your mind at ease, mostly via distraction. I try not to put too much stuff about my personal life on here, because I don't know when certain people will read this or not, but just suffice it to say that I am in need of a distraction. I was hoping for a few things to pan out this weekend, but nothing really did. I spent more time with somebody I didn't even really expect to see than with the one person I actually really wanted to see, and I guess subconsciously needed to see.

It's unfair to place so much dependent happiness on somebody, but I'm working my way back to some semblance of a normal life, it's not that I want to depend on anybody to make me happy, but I need social interaction. I need love. I want love. I want a lot of things, but first and foremost comes on specific thing/person. I don't want to be apart from them, but that seems to be my life at the moment.

On a good note, Ben, Julie, and Joey all liked my set! So that's good. There were a few other people as well I think, I just don't remember.

I'm going to pray that I can sleep right now. I most likely will not be able to, and therefore will opt on a night teeming with Tumblr posts. If you don't see many, then you know that I achieved my prior goal. You can monitor my goal's status here. Lots of posts means I haven't succeeded. I think I've cried enough tonight that sleeping shouldn't be too difficult to come by.

I miss her, is that such a crime? Goodnight loves.

on a lighter note.

I have a few people that say we can do something. Three different people, well four, but two of them are together. So, hopefully they can distract my mind for a bit. Maybe this night doesn't have to turn out so bad after all.

Seriously

FUCK EVERYTHING.

I'm losing it in real time. I can't keep still, I'm shaking, I just want it all to be over. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together... I just really am sick of bothering with this life anymore. It's not going anywhere.

Fuck this shit. Lets get fucked up.

Oh boy oh boy, how is everybody today. I want everybody to get on my level right now. That is, put your head between your legs, and sob. Go on, do it. It'll feel wonderful. Just let it out... let it out... everything will be okay!

Okay, so you ready? Did you enjoy your day today? That's fucking WONDERFUL. I didn't either. Yea, I know, it was pretty nice outside. I know, I didn't really see either. I mean, don't get my wrong, I went outside a few times to smoke some sticks of death, but I didn't really get to fully enjoy the wonderful day. Do you regret it? I do too.. but not really.

I've certainly thought about dying before, but you know those days where there's absolutely nothing that you can wrap your head around that makes any of this shit worth it? Yea, one of those days, precisely. I mean, what the fuck is going on? Nothing positive at all, that's certain. Shit, I thought coming home would be something nice, like a vacation from the hell of a life I've been living. Turns out, now, even the one thing I hold on to keep me sane ends up being a dead end.

I've honest to god been in quite the chipper mood as of late. This weekend, although not completed yet, has flushed all of those happy times down the drain. It's strange how I, with relatively simple desires, can manage to dig myself into this stage of self-loathing again. It's really quite simple to figure out why people use drugs and alcohol. I mean, really, think about it. Has either substance ever been too busy or had better things to do than hang out? Absolutely not. And their company is most enjoyable. Mystery solved.

I could go on and on, but what's the point. The point is that I'm a lonely good for nothing fuck up that longs for the love of other people. I find comfort not from myself, but through others around me, or if that doesn't work, through heroin or some other readily available opiate. Yes, I'm saying this because it's true. And no, just because I'm mad as a fucking really mad whatever, that doesn't mean I'm gonna go out and go down that road again. This is simply my process of venting, and it works remarkably well.

I'm talking to Joey on the phone right now. I'm quite happy at the moment, it's about time I got somebody to hang out with. I've been fucking alone all day. Minus a stint with one other person.

Alright, just hung up the phone. I don't even know what he's doing, always some crazy shit with Mr. Joey. Now I'm back to being shitty again. There's a few bottles of wine in the fridge, this night could turn out for the better. Plus, I'm trying to see if somebody else wants to hang out. I gotta make something happen. Just repeat after me, "Drugs are not the answer!" Sure, they make me feel a lot less like playing in traffic, but eventually it just makes everything much worse. It's an endless cycle, it certainly is.

Basically, just for today, and probably the next couple weeks, fuck everything.

Now, go have fun for me. Peace.

Not official until FB says so.

In the worst of moods.

I haven't been able to even come close to sleeping. I've been awake this whole time, just perusing all sorts of internet content. I have so much on my mind, and it's driving me up a fucking wall. I guess I've been managing pretty well on the time, as it is nearly 5:00 AM. That means I just have to occupy myself for another couple hours or so, and then I can get on with my day.

Back to this past night. It was just completely shitty. Nothing ever seems to go like it's supposed to. I'm debating on just going back up to New York either tomorrow afternoon or early Saturday morning. I don't even know why I came down here in the first place. Well, actually I do, but whatever. Hopefully something interesting will happen tomorrow, after I take care of the little bit of business that I want to take care of.

I would definitely like to blurt out all of my thoughts on here right about now, such as why I'm upset and whatnot, but it's a bit personal I guess and I don't just want to go flinging that kind of stuff on the internet.

On a slightly less shitty note, I downloaded a bunch of multimedia to keep me occupied at least for a few hours. I'm waiting another few minutes so I can download the second half of a file I was trying to get (currently 9 minutes until I can complete the download), which would be Cosmic Gate's top 10 tracks for November. I also downloaded this past weeks Weeds, Boardwalk Empire, and Dexter episodes, along with a couple recent "Late Late Show"s with Craig Ferguson. I'm sure that with my down time tomorrow, I'm going to load this baby up with much more.

I have to get a hold of Joey's dad and find out if he ever was able to do anything with my desktop. I really want to get those files off of there. While I was up in New York, I connected both of my external hard drives to my laptop, and neither of them had my digital camera pictures from the past 6 years. Luckily, one of them did have my older digital artwork (or at least most of it), so I'm happy about that. But, basically every picture that I've taken since 2004 is on my desktop, and I certainly don't want those to be lost. I have some really good ones, and I'll be so pissed.

Why does me coming home always make for a really shitty time? Ugh.

Well, until the morning, I suppose. I hope things get better, and not just a temporary better, either.

Back in PA

Yes, it's true, and you heard it here first! I am officially back in Pennsylvania for a few days. Today/tonight was somewhat shitty though, definitely not what I hoped it would be. But, that seems to be the case rather frequently. Hopefully I'll have somebody to hang out with tomorrow.

I'm going to Exton to find out what I need to do to get my license back. I hope it goes well.

I'll post a more proper entry sometime tomorrow. This will either be done in the morning or maybe early afternoon, and perhaps an additional treat later on tomorrow night. I've been using my Tumblr all night, check it out.

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it. At least I hope so... I could certainly use some love right about now. In a rather shit mood. Goodnight..

This time, I really am "waiting on a train"!

I'm coming home tomorrow! I still haven't quite figured out the details, but I am going to hop on the train tomorrow afternoon, and I shall return to the lovely state of PA. I wish I knew how I was going to get home from 30th street, but that is a bridge that I will cross when I get to it.

So... it's right now about 5:00 PM. I would love to be able to just go to bed now, but then I'd just wake up in the middle of the night anyway. I have to figure out a way to kill these next six hours or so. I think I'm going to attempt to make a grilled cheese soon, so that will kill a few minutes. Any other suggestions? Actually, I just remembered that I can finish watching my Weeds episodes. I only have four left, but that's a nice two hours killed right there. I seem to have problems watching movies up here, I guess because I don't want to watch them on my laptop, and there's no TV to hook up to, but I can tolerate watching TV shows.

Today was a fairly easy day. I spent an hour or so just browsing some information on the computer while at work. And, I discovered that there is a ridiculously delicious Chinese restaurant (Goshen Chinese Kitchen, which I checked in to on FourSquare). I got some steamed dumplings, and they were absolutely orgasmic.

I got back here around 3:40, and decided to call a special somebody. It was nice to hear her voice. I'm not too sad at the moment, because I know I'll be home soon, but she was going out, and I wished so badly that I could be there with her. I want to be more for her, I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, but I guess I just love her quite a bit. I wish things could be different, but with time everything will work out. If it doesn't, then I'm going to be rather pissed off.

Well, I am going to go prepare some food for myself now. I'll probably write something a bit later, as I have no other tempting offers for making it through the night. I was actually contemplating using my Tumblr a bit more, posting a bit more meaningless shit. I would do it on here, but I don't want to flood this blog with pictures and other stuff. I want to keep this pure. I posted a picture earlier today, and I will on occasion, but I want to keep this for writing.

I don't know if anybody has downloaded my set (well, besides a few people), but I really do suggest checking it out. Joey listened to it, and he doesn't even like house/trance, but he said it was "hot", if I remember correctly. You can go get it here if you'd like. Please let me know if you download it, and let me know what you think!

Alrighty, off to the kitchen. Peace, love, and rough sex, everybody.

Hump Day

There are much more pressing issues at hand than posting to my wonderful blog, but they can wait. They include showering and eating breakfast. Now, that being said, they can't wait for much longer, as I have to be leaving for work in less than 45 minutes, so I guess I should just get on with it then.

I was on omegle this morning, it was rather interesting talking to strangers. I'm thinking about making this more of a habit. If I can't have any real social interaction, I might as well find some through the world wide web.

I came across this image, and I certainly connected with the message:


I don't really have much else to talk about this morning. I'm pretty sure that I'll be heading back to PA tomorrow afternoon at some point, so I just have to make it through my boredom tonight, and then I will be free for a bit. I'm not really feeling all that well, but I guess eating breakfast should help take care of that. But its not only that I don't feel well, I also feel rather anxious. I'm really in a hurry to get home and see friends again. I'm no good at this loner bullshit.

I hope everybody has a wonderful day. Have one for me... please?

From last night...

I was supposed to post this last night, but I got sleepy and neglected to do so.

Well howdy, y'all. How's everything going for you this evening? Let's have a bit of a wager, shall we? I want to bet the house that you are having a much more fulfilling night. Deal? Alright then, pony up.

At least I only have a limited list of things to whine about. This list would include: boredom. Yes, and besides being lonely as fuck, that's really all that I have to be complaining about. Unless I actually think about it... I'm sure I could list a few more things... Oh shit, yes I can. I better just move on before this becomes a pity party.

So, a lot and nothing have been going on simultaneously. I'm still up in the Empire State, so not much new on that front. I'm slowly getting the hang of my job up here, though I'm not even close to considering myself "comfortable" there. I'm just a bit ignorant when it comes to car parts. I've never really dealt with them up until now, so I suppose it is understandable. The terrible thing about being up here isn't so much just being here, it's having absolutely nothing to do, nobody to hang out with, nobody to cuddle with, no way to even really get out of the house after I'm done work. I don't think there's ever been a point in my life where I had to figure out how to occupy myself for such long periods of time. I have a few movies I can watch, but I'm way too bored for that. I need some sort of social interaction, it's what fuels me. I'm not a loner, and when I'm forced to be one, that's usually when shit starts to fall apart, and we certainly don't want that happening. Good news is that I will either be "allowed" to come home for the weekend, or if that doesn't work out, I'll just hang out for the weekend with my friend. So either way, as long as I can make it to Friday afternoon without laying out on the train tracks down the street, we'll be all good.

The worst part of being up here is not being able to see or touch the one person that means the world to me. When I'm not with her, time just drags on, it is quite a miserable feeling. But then, when I'm with her, there aren't enough hours in the day. It's amazing how somebody can literally recreate my world, my perception of everything, just by being near me. Hopefully through all this, I will become a better person, get shit going right again, and make her all mine. That's my biggest motivation, right there.

I had a wonderful thought of what I could write about for the past few days. However, with the clocks going back and everything, I've found myself a bit lost. When 5:30 comes around, I feel like I should be sleeping. Now, I don't usually take a nap or fall asleep, but it makes me feel so lazy, which in turn makes me all the more anxious, because I want to do something so bad, but I have zero interest in anything. I think that's the biggest problem for me this time around. I was doing alright up until Sunday, I really was. I wasn't freaking out, I wasn't pacing around, and now I can't seem to find anything that holds my interest for more than a few moments. This scatterbrain of mine is really taking its toll on my sanity. I would try meditation or something, but I don't have the patience for it. I feel like that is something you should do because you want to, not because there's absolutely nothing else to fucking do.

Now I'm too antsy to write anymore, great. Good night!

My new set!

I would post the tracklisting, but I'm feeling rather lazy, and I'd rather you find out for yourselves :)

http://www.4shared.com/file/ylCeHLns/Desire_001.html

Download it, listen, and tell me what you think! Enjoy!

you're waiting on a train...

I've once again been neglecting my duties regarding my blog. But, honestly, I'm just in no mood to really say anything. I suppose I should start trying a bit harder, as I have absolutely nothing better to do while I'm up here in NY. But, my brain is just boiled right now. I'm not feeling clever, nor witty, nor anything exciting. I'm just trying my best to hold myself together until Friday, when I can be reunited with civilization.

I might type something up a bit later. There has been some stuff going on, but I'm a bit too miserable at the moment to write anything about it.

But don't worry, I'm sure I'll return to my normal blogging self in the very near future.

How to live, or how not to?

Wouldn't it be amazing to turn your actual reality into some sort of altered state? I don't know how anybody can really say anything but "Of course", but apparently they can. I was having this discussion, though not so elegantly, via text message earlier in the day. This led me into quite a train of thought, invoking many emotions along the way. I started thinking about the brevity of our lives, and the most effective and meaningful way to utilize the time that we have here on this earth. This is going to dig a bit, so beware.

Regarding my aforementioned conversation, drugs were not the only issue at hand. I was trying to explain that life is meant to be experimental, although maybe not in the purest definition. I was trying to convey that in our time here, what is to hold us back from enjoying everything to the fullest? A sense of morality? Preconceived notions of what is acceptable and what is not? I'm completely against all of that, but I don't declare it in a proud manner, as in a "I don't give a fuck" way. I just don't think that living in the confines of others' beliefs and ideals is the best way to go about ones' business. I want to see all that I can see, I want to experience everything that I can. I know that most people would agree with such, but I have a darker desire, according to society's standards.

Now, I must say, I am not condoning the use of drugs, or anything of the sort. However, I do believe that these substances are there, and although frowned upon, I feel that they are quite an effective way to give you a different state of reality. I was listening to a song a couple days ago, and I'm fairly certain that it was Kid Cudi. I remember him saying/singing "Everything is better when you're high." Now, if you've never even smoked weed, then I'm not sure if reading on is of any use, unless you are on the fence. But, if you have, then you can completely understand this. Marijuana simply makes everything more enjoyable, whether it be watching a movie, listening to music, just hanging out with people, playing video games, food, etc. I can't ever remember a time where smoking a bit of tree was anything but magical. That being said, I don't find it correct to use this every day, in order to recreate your world, where everything is done in this altered state of mind. I am certainly not saying this in the least bit. I believe, as with everything else, that moderation is key. I was never a "pot head", even in the times where I smoked more than average. By not taking a complete slide into Stonedtown, it made every time wondrous. Whenever I would partake, I would reach this level, and everything was beautiful. All of my cares would just disappear, that is unless my parents were calling me on my cellphone... haha.

Now, I of course ventured much further than weed. There are a few other substances that can give you quite a different view of the world. If I were to have to recommend anything, without much reservation, it would certainly be ecstasy. Now, once again, I am not telling anybody to go out and do anything. God forbid anybody would accuse me of that. Plenty of parents I'm sure blame me for one thing or another, to which I just believe that everybody makes their own decisions. I'm sick of people pointing fingers at others for their choices, it's absolutely absurd. But anyways, back to Mr. E.

From the years of 2004-2007ish, I took quite a hefty amount of MDMA (the chemical in ecstasy pills). I've had some of the best times of my life whilst accompanied by this wonderful little delight. And, if you check out the newest "drug rankings", there is really no evidence that taking ecstasy (even over prolonged time) has any real ill effects. And, if you notice, alcohol has been determined to be the most harmful substance, just above heroin.

One weekend, I believe it was after some huge club event or something, I took about 15 pills throughout the weekend. Now, I usually took a fair share, but 15 is quite a bit. I remember driving home after the fact, but as night fell, I started to have visions. I would see huge castle doors open for me in the middle of the road, and I would see people seated at tables in the middle of the road as well, feasting on a Thanksgiving meal. This was not scary, but really amazing. Back when we used to just hang out after the clubs, sometimes I would lose sight of everything while sitting on the bed, have a "dream" of some sort, and then come to and start praddling about whatever was in my head, which was complete nonsense in the real world, but made perfect sense to me. I just find it enchanting to have access to something that can basically put you in a whole other world.

Also, there are the hallucinogens. LSD (acid), mushrooms, and the lot. I have done these quite a bit, as well. I don't even want to get too detailed, because once again, I don't want anybody to have the belief that I'm glorifying these things. I'm not. I've been a bit more behaved lately, as I've certainly had "my time". But the effects are undeniable. I have pieced together the meaning of life during a nice trip, and then in a moment it was gone. But in that moment, I was sitting there, and wondering, "What do I do now? I know everything, there's nothing else to do." Unless you've ever had one of these moments, you can't even come close to understanding the power it brings. Even afterwards, you have a bit more enlightened view of the world. I've also seen that they are using 'shrooms to treat depression and drug addiction. I also remember that once, while on some mushrooms, I had some other choice drugs, of the harder variety. I was in a bit of bad shape then, but when I looked at these, I had no interest in them, nor did I have any idea why I ever did. It completely reshaped my view of what was important to me.

I could certainly go on about these kinds of things all day and night, forever. However, it is my belief that certain people might not agree with this posting, and might consider this a bad sign as far as me keeping myself in line. Talking about these things doesn't make me long for those days, though. Everything is much better without having a dependency on drugs, believe me. But, if you don't have an addictive nature, I don't much see the harm in certain things. I know I've dipped a little into the heroin conversation on here. I noted that it's the warmest hug, the most amazing feeling, and places you in a much more manageable reality. This is all completely true, but the consequences far outweigh anything else positive that you could attempt to say about it. I'm completely content without drugs, I really am, and I'm not saying that if you don't do them, that you are wasting your life by any means. Shit, that makes you a stronger/better person than I am (once again, according to others). However, that leads me to my final question.

How could you have no interest in discovering new possibilities? I mean, basically everybody I know of age uses alcohol, and as I mentioned before, it is the most harmful of all illicit substances, yet it's legal. I don't know if the legality restricts others from delving into other things, or if it is just the morality bestowed upon them from other generations. But, these things are less harmful, and will show you a time like you can't possibly foresee. Every time is a journey, and every time is magic. It just perplexes me when somebody tells me that they have no interest in it. I am forced to conclude that this is purely based on other people's beliefs, because I can't comprehend why anybody would not want to experience something so surreal.

Either way, you should live your life as you see fit. I can certainly say that I'm not a majority leader here, I know that most people don't, rather than do. But I think an open mind is one of the most essential parts of living a full life. If I were to die now, I don't know that I could really testify that I would be happy, but at least I got to have some great experiences. And, once again, I know you can have a hell of a time without the use of any drugs, but I don't know if it could compare to the nights I've had, I really don't. It's a whole new world awaiting you. I guess the same thing happened when our ancestors came to America. The people that stayed weren't sure it was such a great idea, but the ones who came, they were looking for something more. I'm one of those people, looking for something more. Sure, I can certainly do some more things in my life to make it more meaningful. But, I know that I've had a blast, and am grateful to have lived a life which can be put into countless stories and memories, all really special.

I keep going on, but I'm not sure that I really got any point across. Take from this whatever you can, and remember, don't say I told you to do anything, because I sure as shit did nothing of the sort :). Live at your own risk, everybody, and keep it real.

Inception.

So, last night I watched Inception. Last night, I also had a bit of an experience while dreaming. It was rather intense, and I can honestly say that reality was in a bit of question over the past few hours. I mean, obviously I know that right now is "reality", I haven't lost my mind, I promise. However, the idea of being able to create your own reality through dreaming is absolutely marvelous. I want so badly for there to actually be a way to recreate that movie in real life. However, that isn't an option at this present time, so I'll just enjoy the bit that I received last night.

So, I remember being in a desert, and there were abandoned houses. I remember turning one of those houses into my own, with a significant other, and a few more people. The next thing I knew, I was digging through the sound, to make the area more livable. I remember somebody just trudging through the sand, making large tracks as he went along. It was at this point that I was able to realize subconsciously that I was indeed dreaming. I watched his footsteps, and realized that they would disappear immediately. I was able to determine that I was in a fantasy world, and actually took steps to make sure I made the most of it.

I remember some sort of trouble happening, but this didn't have much consequence for the duration. I started building things in my mind. I constructed elaborate tunnel systems, and beautiful houses, and schools, and all sorts of other things, all in the middle of this desert. I created a home for myself. Unfortunately, I must have just started this dream when I awoke. I know that just before I woke up, I was in danger, and maybe this is why I woke up. People were coming through the tunnels to stop what I was doing. Maybe I also knew subconsciously that what I was doing was complete fantasy, and my mind decided it better to stop it.

This makes me think back to most of my dreams. I am always being pursued by people, or a person, or an entity. That is what really strikes me about "Inception". The feelings in the dreams are indeed real, as anybody who has had a nightmare can attest. The fear is not comparable, it's a life or death feeling. I can recall one dream, where I was the President or something similar of a space nation. People were upset with me, and I took to great measures eluding these people who were trying to kill me. The world, in this case, consisted of living residences resembling a prison, people lived in basically a prison. There were elaborate networks of ladders and other things to move about basically everywhere throughout the world. The last thing I remember, I was hooked up to the roof and crawling above a main section of the "station" or wherever I was supposed to be. These dreams are incredible, and really open your mind.

I could literally write about my dreams all day. Back about a year ago, I decided to start writing them in a separate document on my laptop. Maybe I'll post a few of them to my blog sometime. I do have another pressing topic on my mind, regarding reality, and ways to create your own, however it has a bit of a darker undertone. I will be posting more later on tonight.

Stay lovely.

"You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter - because we'll be together."

That Maui Wowie!!!

I'm currently trying to burn Inception to a DVD, with hopes that at least one of the DVD players here will be able to handle a burnt disc. If it doesn't quite work out, well then I'm sure I'll just be watching it on my laptop. I guess that's not the worst thing that can happen... but it's much preferable if I could watch it on a television instead.

Well, I didn't have to leave my house at 7AM, which was wonderful. Instead, I finally trotted out the door around 8:45. From there, made a stop at Wawa and CVS, and hit the road. I got five packs of Newports while still in PA, considering they are about $6 down in PA as opposed to >$10 up here. Gotta love New York, eh?

On the drive, I convinced my Dad that our best course would be to take the turnpike to 17, and then hop on 87. I am not sure if this was indeed the most direct route, but I sure sounded quite positive. This was all done, of course, so I could indulge in some White Castle when we made it up to the Rutherford/Carlstadt area. I got four cheeseburgers (I had already had breakfast not even two hours prior), and they hit the spot like you wouldn't believe. I love White Castle. I have never in my entire life been let down by that delicious establishment. Doesn't matter what time, where, what I get, whatever, it's always absolutely fucking delicious.

I also worked today, did quite a bit of stuff. But now I'm busy doing something I almost forgot to even post this. But I am... right NOW.

Funeral

Corey's funeral was today. I thought I'd feel some sense of relief by now, but I don't think it's gotten any easier. I've been so anxious all week, as if this would finally bring my mind at ease. In some ways, it did, but it opened up this feeling of loss and other emotions that I haven't had to deal with in quite some time. Without a "buddy" (aka drugs) it makes emotions all that much more to deal with. Before, I would have dulled myself with something or other, but it's certainly better to deal with the pain than to just mask it.

It was beautiful to see the turnout. Everybody loved Corey so much, and with good reason. He was exceptional, and he will be truly missed. I have tons of stuff to do in the morning, get stuff packed, head to NY, go right to work, so I can't really sit on here and pour my feelings out at the moment, though I'd love to. I will give a more proper update about everything tomorrow when i get situated.

I've had a wonderful awful day. I'm mad at myself like I haven't felt this intensely since... maybe ever. I've never been more unhappy with myself. Seeing everybody today, I just felt like such a fucking under-achiever. I should be somewhere by now, but I'm just lost in the dust. Who is ever going to want to keep me around. I don't have anything good to offer at this point in time, and I'm really sore about it. Anyways, I'm not going to get into my whole self-loathing thing either, I guess I'll just close it up while I haven't stumbled that far yet.

I love you, all of my friends, and I hope some day I can be sitting somewhere nicer, and we can all be together, in all our love for each other. Sleep well everybody.

WoW

So... besides downloading a whole bunch of movies to entertain myself, I've also taken on the task of World of Warcraft. I must say, it has killed the past four hours or so quite brilliantly.

I don't really have much else to say. The funeral is tomorrow.. I'm glad it's finally coming around, I've been a bit upset and I find at least a little bit of closure attending and being around all of the people who loved Corey so much. It will be nice to see everybody, although it will be under fucked circumstances. I really hope I don't have to attend another funeral any time soon.

I'm going to try to get the new Russell Brand book either tonight or tomorrow, and hopefully that will also keep me occupied, as I'm planning on going back up to New York either tomorrow afternoon/night or Friday morning.

I guess I could touch on the topic of the midterm elections last night. Turns out that Pat Toomey pulled it out against Joe Sestak. I would also like to speculate that I am fully aware of the reason. This year, there were no Philadelphia-based candidates on the ballot. Essentially, the entire city of Philadelphia had very little reason to go out and vote at all. And, unfortunately, that worked very effectively against Joe, who would have basically taken all of the votes from the Philadelphia area, being almost completely blue. However, the turnout in the city was shoddy at best. There was really nothing that Mr. Sestak could do. Even if he would have put his heart and soul into campaigning the Philadelphia area, it still would not have propelled voting enough to achieve the desired outcome. I feel bad for my brother, the ultimate Democrat, but I am very proud of Pennsylvania at the moment. Republicans turned out, and we elected a Governor and Senator to represent the GOP in Washington. With Republicans taking control of the House (albeit not the Senate), let us hope that something can get done. However, we really need to get past the whole party nonsense. It's rather obvious that the left wing and right wing battle that has been raging for centuries is not helping our country to go in the right direction.

I'm hoping for the best, but I'll settle for just "okay" at this point. Anything is better than where we were at come yesterday at the polls. Our country needs to revamp, as we are no longer seen throughout the world as numero uno. Just recently, we were the backbone of the world, and now some other countries are beginning to see us as fading, as second rate. I refuse to agree, but acknowledge that we sure as hell have a lot of work ahead of us.

God Bless the U.S.A.!

In closing, as I posted on Facebook earlier, "Stay sexy, people!"

Election Day!

I had quite the interesting day. It all began around 10:00 AM. I woke up, threw on some clothes, and marched out the door for my waking cigarette of doom (because this just means that there will be more of them throughout the day). As I'm walking out the door, I see my brother and father in the kitchen, and they ask "Are you coming?" I reply with the "Of course", because my intuition told me that they were offering for me to accompany them to our voting station.

So, I got in the car, and tagged along with them to do our civic duties. As I'm waiting, the lady theorizes that my brother is indeed me, which I was expecting, and was quick to correct. However, I didn't have my ID, as I was just going outside for a quick smoke. So, I walk away, get back in the car, and we go to the wondrous K-Mart for a filter for our heater.

Now, being as it was that my brother surely just voted a straight Democrat ticket, I wasn't about to let that go "un-cancelled", so upon arriving at my house, I set out on my mission to locate my identification. I located it, and pranced merrily back down to the municipal building. I went in, hit my GOP button, hit vote, and like magic it was all over.

The remainder of my day was spent wasting time, which is currently my prerogative as well. The only other bit of interesting "shit" to happen to me today occurred when I went to Wawa. I come up to the guy, he goes "Newports?" and I show my agreement with a nod of the head. Now, quite obviously, he is aware of my age, and is even familiar with my preference of slow-suicide. So, when he asks for my ID, I am a bit ticked, but reach for my wallet. Unfortunately, my ID was in the pocket of the jeans I was wearing to vote, which had promptly been changed after I got home and took a shower. So, I go back home, quite pissed, and can't find it. Then, look in the drier, and VOILA! There it is. I didn't really want to go back, but I did eventually. What a fucking hassle.

I watched both of the Boardwalk Empire episodes that I missed, and they were awesome. I also watched the Dexter from two weeks ago, and only have this past Sunday's to view, which I will later on. But for now, I'm going to try occupy myself in another way, although I have no idea how. Wish me the best of luck, won't you?

Rest peacefully, Corey.

I'm apologetic in regards to my posts just kind of dying off again, but I've had a bit going on. On Friday night, October 29, my dear friend Corey passed away. Now, I wasn't entirely sure if it had actually happened, the circumstances, etc. but it is beyond certain now.

I came home on Friday to handle some things down here in PA. But as it turns out, I'm staying here at least until later tomorrow, because now I have a funeral to attend. It is completely unreal to think that such a wonderful person has left all of us, and I can only hold on to some faint hope that one day, all of us will meet again. Over the past few days, I've just been reminiscing and looking at one of the pictures I have, of Sarina, Corey, Julie, and I. Those days seem so long ago, and things certainly changed in the subsequent years, but Corey was and will always remain an absolutely beautiful person. I never saw him without a smile, and he was always quick to make you laugh. He was a lot of things to a lot of people, and I can't deny his impact on my life. I will forever miss him, as I know there are many people feeling the same way.

So, once again, I'm sorry that I've been "missing" a bit, I'm just working through the best way I can. I'll get back to this soon.