I've just now come to an unsettling realization about my life.
For quite awhile, up until maybe two years back, my life had all of the best qualities of cinematic masterpieces. I can recall moments throughout my life that had all of the dramatic pieces and euphoric climaxes that you would hope to see in the best of films. The acts in my play of life were full of promise, of excitement, of energy, of love. My memories are vivid, colorful remnants of a life once lived. I cherish more than anything the anecdotal value of the life that I have lived.
And yes, this even includes the beginning of the "bad years", when things began to become uncontrollable, and I was left at the mercy of the few people that love me, such as my family, and a few good friends. I certainly caused plenty of pain and turmoil and anguish throughout the past three or four years, all of which was caused by a force that was much stronger than my own will. I won't go in to details here, that can be for a more formalized publication.
However, the last two years or so seem to have completely lost the luster of the previous twenty-two. No longer do I really have any promise of hope. My friends have dispersed throughout the country, for the most part, with only a very small handful left. In actuality, the four people with whom I spent just about 95% of my time with throughout the past six years have all moved away. I'm talking about people I've resided with, people who know me better than even my family, I believe. This hasn't been easy for me at all. Last year, when I thought the worst was over, nothing panned out in the recovery that was supposed to be so majestic, so deserved for somebody as "smart and bright" as me. Surely everybody has hard times, and it was certain that the worst of my life were to be behind me. As fate would have it, that was not exactly the case.
I've spent this past year living day to day with no real outlook on the future. I have wallowed in self pity, feeling a sense of entitlement to something grander, but still seemingly stuck in the doldrums. The only positive thing that has come out of this time period has been the affection of the perfect woman, showering me with love amidst all my flaws. Had it not been for this, I'd certainly be in a much more drastic situation than the one I am currently in. I've never felt love in this sense, but I just don't know what I can do to maintain it. I'm trying, but trying doesn't always make for success. I "tried" to make something for myself this whole past year. But I guess I should acknowledge that I have been digging myself down for quite some time, and shouldn't expect to be out of the ditch in a fraction of that time.
But to deviate back to my original point, nothing sparkles anymore. Anything and everything was always possible in my best of days. I've driven through the night, back and forth from places far away, just in search of love, of adventure. Now I'm stationary, which is quite pathetic, but I also have nowhere to go. If I had been told that one day I would be stuck somewhere for more than a day or two, I would have laughed. I always had people around me who would do anything for me, and I was always the person to call if anything was needed. This made me content. I was as giving as I could possibly be, and I also received benefits for doing so.
Now, I just feel very solitary. Before, when I was booted from my humble abode, I had all sorts of people that were able to help me. Now, when faced with the same obstacle, I had not one single option available to me. So how am I to feel like anything is getting better, when seemingly everything has gone quite properly to shit. Life is quite a bummer for the have-nots, and I'm discovering that now with brutal intensity. I was never a member of this neglected group. I had it all. Quite astonishing how things have shaped up for little ol' me.
I also came across something that made me a bit reflective, and more self-loathing: "I think of my own mother and the times I've let her down and am rinsed with paint at the thought of the son I could've been, the son she deserved." So quite rightly I'm feeling like a prized ass at this moment in time, and I suppose it's only appropriate so ask for forgiveness. It's hard to humble yourself at times like these, however, when in such a state of resentment towards everything that has happened in your life, this feeling of "why me?" that I'm positive everybody has experienced at some time or another.
So yes, I am rather angry. I have very few wants right now, and none of them can happen, which also leads me to be quite frustrated. I want somebody to come get me, just for a day or so, I just want to enjoy myself for a bit. It's very hard to do this when you are quite far away from the one you love. I haven't been able to relax in the meekest sense of the word, and that bothers me a bit.
There are many things that could happen right now that could restore my faith in my cinematic, beautiful life. Somebody could show up in the middle of the night, and I could go and really enjoy my time for a bit. Not too long ago, this would have been commonplace, but now, it's not even an idea. It's just as if it's impossible. But I know that it is not impossible, which bothers me even more. The potential is most definitely there, but the wills I suppose are a bit lacking. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, I'm sure I've left all of my potential knights in shining armor a bit disillusioned with the idea of me. And I understand to an extent, but I don't want to come to terms of accepting it.
I just want things to be better. And I really need all of the love I can get. And I really just need some contact. I feel like I haven't had a physical contact with anybody in such a long time. I'm not quite keen to that, either. I'm a very affectionate person, I'm extremely emotional (especially now, if you didn't notice), and I really just need to be loved. And not from a family member, not the we-love-you-because-we-have-to type love, but the voluntary kind, the I-know-you-and-still-love-you kind. But unfortunately, it seems like a bit much to ask for at the moment. So, while I try to stop feeling sorry for myself, I'll be a bit troubled, and looking for another something to be grateful for.
Like I always say, I hope you are all getting off much better than I am.
With love, always,
Mike
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